Chapter 3

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The diary consumed me over the next few days. It was all I read, but not in the open. Either lock myself in my room, or hide at school in short breaks. I spent ages reading carefully, then re-reading, feeling my heart go out to Dad. How hard would it have been to put yourself and others through this?

It was an interesting experience, learning this about my dad. I'd always looked up to him as a kid, and even now, he was my hero. I guess learning his flaws was just a part of life though.

30th July 2020

Dear Mitch

I saw you yesterday for our meeting. All I have to say is I'm sorry I didn't swallow my pride earlier. I know I apologised, but it now changes nothing. You're hurt, and so am I.

You're still my best man though. You said you'd come along, but how could you stand it? I've prepared Lachlan in case. He doesn't know anything, but I just wanted him to be sorted in case we need him.

Hope I'll see you there.

Love, Jerome

Wait. Lachlan. One of my dad's best friends. He was married with one son , and came to visit every so often, and we'd go to the occasional convention together if there were any nearby.

27th August 2020

Dear Mitch

I got married today. Currently, I'm on my honeymoon, but it feels far from it. It all feels so wrong. How could I dedicate my life when I don't know who I'd want to spend it with? I made such an irrational, such a crazy choice. I didn't think, I just did what was easier, but since when was love easy?

I'm glad you turned up today. You're my best man, and honestly, no one else would do. Especially that speech. Wishing us a happy life, but how can I be happy without you? Everything feels so strange now. I feel so disconnected from you, and it's painful. You've been in my life for years, sixteen years.

I saw those tears when you left the stage, but only I saw. Everyone else was too happy, too distracted, too drunk to notice. But not me.

Maybe you saw my tears as well. Louise certainly did, but she didn't care. Probably thought that it was just because of the beauty in your speech.

You know, I don't know how you managed to come here today. To watch me promise to cherish Louise, and promise to be with her, it must have been painful. Almost as painful as watching you leave after, because in my hearts of hearts, I knew this was goodbye. You weren't coming back. We'd gradually slip away from each other, all because of words said in the heat of the moment.

I already miss you Mitch. I wish you'd never gone.

Love, Jerome

Okay. So that was fast.

I quickly flicked through the pages and scanned it. Nothing between. Sighing, I stood and walked to class.

So he was Dad's best man. I'd always assumed it, but Dad never bothered to confirm. Maybe too much for him to handle, knowing that was his last goodbye, he'd never been able to say.

For a second, I thought about myself. I'd fallen for someone I couldn't have before, and it hurt to see them every day, knowing that it was such a stupid reaction. I could try forget how I'd feel, but the second I saw them again, all those feelings would just come back, and I'd feel the warm desire laced with dread. Was this what my dad felt?

Did he still feel it?

9th June 2021

Dear Mitch,

Louise is pregnant.

Louise doesn't want the baby, but I do. I can't bear the thought of killing my baby, never mind the gender or issues. I just can't wait to get to hold him or her in my arms, and keep them safe. Louise is scared, though. She thinks she's too young, too inexperienced. Maybe she is. I feel almost selfish, taking away Louise's future for my own needs, but this baby... I want it more than anything. I can already feel a bond with it, this baby who shares my blood, my DNA, my life. My love.

How will you feel when you hear about us? I haven't talked to you at all these months as we record less and less together, not properly. Just old jokes being revisited a sickening amount of times. The viewers know something's up.

I really don't know what I should have done. Should I have just called off the wedding? Or is it better that I stayed with her?

Maybe I should just leave. Disappear. Figure it all out before everyone is hurt. Or I could wind back, and find a life with you. Would you take me back? I know if I'd chosen you, I'd have never looked back.

Love, Jerome

The tear fell before I could stop it. "I'm just a mistake. She never wanted me..."

Pull yourself together.

Why?

Because your dad still loves you. He still loves you, your sister, your mom. They can be okay.

I forced myself to be pulled together. How easy would it have been to just say 'stuff it' and leave was beyond me.

I took a shaky breath and walked over to my last period, and grudgingly sat next to Grace, who saw my face and put an arm around me. "What happened now?"

"Oh, nothing, I just learnt they wanted to abort me. No. Wait. Not they. Just my oh so darling mother who cares so much." I spat before I could stop myself, and felt like a knife had shredded me all over again. I didn't tell Grace or Andrew much about what was in the diary, just that it existed and I wanted to finish it.

Her gaze was sympathetic, and I closed my eyes. "I could just leave. I should just leave." I will just leave.

Wow! 100 reads already? Ohh baby...

Amber

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