Chasing Sunshine

16 | Saahirah Wilson

16 • Saahirah Wilson.

I don't know why I did it. I know Moon loves Spencer. You can see it. All I know is that she looks at me like she's never seen anything more beautiful and that for as long as I can remember, she's been by my side.

I was less concerned about realising my sexuality and more concerned about what this would mean for our frienship.

When I opened my eyes, she was there. She's always there. Even when she's not. She's reading a book.

Her hair is thrown messily into a bun, it's curly, so she showered. I vaguely remember her cleaning me up. Always taking care of me.

She's beautiful. I won't deny that. She always has been. In a, soft, kind way. She's one of those girls who breath fire when confronted but loves so gently that it made you forget she could.

I think it's difficult for me to share her because she's just always there. And I know she will be there. And I'm scared that one day, she won't be there because she's there for someone else.

Her toffee eyes move over the pages in her book but I know she's not reading. She's making that face she makes when she's trying to read but the words aren't really registering.

Her brow is creased, just a bit, which means she's thinking about something. Her eyes flicker to me and she smiles. And it's that smile. That smile that she doesn't give anyone.

Except once. Vivienne and I used to get along okay. I tried to be nice to her because Moon liked her and she tried to be nice to me for the same reason.

But then, then Moon smiled at her. Like that, that smile she gives only me. And I hated Vivienne from that day on.

"Hey" she says, her voice is soft. I close my eyes "hi" I whisper. She brushes the hair from my face and it's comforting. Her hands are always warm. Mine are cold.

So contradictory to our nicknames. But she's always told me I was the sun. I like being her sun. No one can take that from me.

"How are you feeling?" she asks "good" I whisper back. More than good. But what happens now? Now that I got what I wanted? Does she leave me too?

She reaches out, using her thumb to smooth the crease between my eyebrows. She puts her book down and lies down beside me, smoothing my hair.

"It's alright, Sunny. We're alright" and everything is okay again. And it strikes me, in a way that it never has, how much control she has. How much control we have of each other.

And this fondness blossoms in my chest because she's my person. And I hope I'm hers.

"Moon?" I feel a bit like a child. But she's so warm and I feel so loved. "Yeah, Sun?" my eyes flicker to her arm, the scars that lay there. And I look at my own, and I think, wouldn't it be wonderful if we fit together?

"Can you make me lava cake? And tea?" she laughs and it's a wonderful sound "of course" and she moves to get up but I don't quite want her to go "but first, can you sing to me?" she looks at me.

She hasn't sung since her last suicide attempt. But she nods nonetheless. And isn't it nice to have someone who'll do things for you even if it's difficult.

She moves to get her guitar. My eyes land on the pictures on her dresser. There's one of her and I on our first day of our last year in Elementary school. Her hair is wild, as it always was. Mine's tucked into my hijab.

We've got our uniforms on and we're grinning like idiots. I find myself wishing we could go back. So I could tell her I loved her. So I could tell her not to say yes to Spencer. So I could tell her I think that she's the only person I could never push away.

And then there's a picture of her and Spencer. Their first date. He took her to a carnival. She loves carnivals. They're grinning from ear to ear but she's looking at the camera and he's looking at her and you can see even then he was falling hard. And I feel the slightest bit guilty.

But then I don't, because she was mine first. Because he doesn't get to just come in and take her from me. Because she loves me more.

And she sits on the bed, with her guitar and starts strumming.

Come with me,

And you'll be,

In a world of pure imagination.

Take a look,

And you'll see,

Into your imagination.

We'll begin,

With a spin,

Traveling in the world of my creation.

I so desperately crave to hear that song every morning while the sun streams into my bedroom through the window.

Her eyes are closed and she's got this soft smile on her lips that makes her look so much gentler. So different from her usual, bored exasperation.

Moon always looks like the world is just boring to her. Like everyone and everything is so miniscule it doesn't even matter. It's why it's lovely when she smiles at me in that way she does.

And for a moment I think I might be hurting her because I don't know how this'll turn out. But I'll fix it. I will.

What we'll see,

Will defy,

Explanation.

Come with me,

And you'll be,

In a world of pure imagination.

Take a look,

And you'll see,

Into your imagination.

We'll begin,

With a spin.

Traveling in the world of my creation.

What we'll see, will defy,

Explanation.

She opens her eyes and smiles gently at me. And no one's ever smiled at me like that. And no one's ever touched me as gentle as she has.

And I think, I hope I'm not hurting her. And maybe I can't fix it. But I don't care about that right now. I just want to be here. In this moment. So I kiss her.

And she kisses me. And it's soft and it's warm and it's lovely. She's lovely. And maybe I'll never feel like this if it's not with her. So I just want this. Right now.

And maybe it's not right but I don't care. And she doesn't seem to mind. So I kiss her. Again and again and again. And it's wonderful.

_______