Yoshikage Kira Kills You

It was 6:42pm on a Thursday in Morioh. You were in your kitchen making toast because toast hits different at any time that isn't breakfast time. Just as the toast popped out of the toaster, you heard the sound of glass breaking.

Someone just broke into your house.

You slowly turned around and looked at the door to your kitchen. It was a pointless move but it was something that people would do. You went back to your toast, putting it onto the plate you had on the counter. You grabbed the butter from the fridge and a butter knife from a drawer and began to butter your toast.

While in the middle of buttering the delicious baked-for-a-second-time bread, you heard someone walk into the kitchen. You stopped for a moment. "Can't you see I'm busy?" You said. "Oh, sorry" the person who broke into your house responded. After buttering your toast you put the butter back into the fridge and put the butter knife in the sink. You turned around and leaned on the counter. "Now what do you want?" You asked. The man who broke in looked at your hands, then your toast, then your unamused face before speaking. "I want your hands" he answered. You scoffed, "That's cute. Now who the hell are you?".

"My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink. I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up."

"The fuck are you talking about?"

"I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone."

You stared at him. "Do you practice that in front of the mirror a lot?" You asked. "Yes, every day actually" he responded. "Cool. I'm gonna call the police now, if that's okay with you" you said, walking towards the phone in the kitchen. But before you could touch the phone, you exploded. All that was left was your hand. Yoshikage went over to your disembodied hand, picked it up and put it in the inner pocket of his Valentino suit. He then ate your toast, did your dishes and left through the window he broke earlier.

"Another day, another concerningly narrow escape."