FOLLOW YOUR HEART

Chapter 32 - The Hole Inside My Heart

LAST VISIT – MAY

Shawn felt his hands sweat and his heart thump as he got closer to the Hall. It was a mild spring evening, and twilight had cloaked the brightness of the day with a grey veil. He was tired, having performed in London for the past three nights, finishing up the European leg of his tour. Today was May Day, and as they approached the village, he saw there was a stage set up on the green and there were Morris dancers in their black and white traditional outfits waving white handkerchiefs, bells jingling as they performed to a cheering crowd.

"Stop!" he called. Across the green, in the crowd, he saw Camila. She was wearing a yellow dress and a black shawl, her hair tumbling down her back. The ache in his heart that had been there for months now intensified to a burning pain. She looked so beautiful. He watched her, unseen, for a while. She smiled up at the man beside her and Shawn leaned forward and told the driver to continue on to the Hall. He knew now that he would have the place to himself when he got there.

Tally was waiting out the front, but that was the only thing that was familiar. There was scaffolding on the front of the house, and two wings now stretched out either side of the original house, built in a matching style. These were the hotel rooms, large and luxurious from everything Shawn had seen. Workmen were loading things into trucks and heading up past him up the drive. He had been told by the solicitors that work would be suspended for the five days they were there.

Tally didn't even come to greet him, he stood like a grim statue on the step as Shawn got out of the car, and he let him retrieve his own bags. Without a word, and barely a nod, he led Shawn around the side to the mudroom door and opened it for him. The rooms down here had been gutted, the kitchen was now three times the size it had been and converted to a state of the art commercial kitchen, gleaming with stainless steel. Shawn felt a pang, missing the beautiful old kitchen he and Camila, Tally and Pam had eaten in so many times. He led Shawn to the elevator, which had also been updated and to the room he always occupied. The two main bedrooms on this floor had not been touched. The new wings were the focus of work at the moment, but apart from the kitchen the main house had not been touched.

Tally still had not spoken to him, not that Shawn expected anything else. He entered the room and sat down heavily on the sofa. It looked exactly the same as the last time he had been here, with Camila. He left his things and walked down to the other room, the one that overlooked the secret garden, soon not to be a secret anymore but a focus of the garden itself.  Her things were everywhere in the room, since she had been staying there for over two weeks now. It had killed him knowing she was so close while he was in London, and before that Manchester. It was the only reason Tally was here, he lived with Pam in her house now, since he had officially retired, but he came up each day to look after Camila. George and Jake had been staying here as well, visiting Sam, who had retained his job. He had seen them with Camila in the village.  They were heading back to Lancaster tomorrow, they didn't want to see Shawn either.

He wished he could sit them all down and give them his side of the story, but not even Camila herself would listen to him, nor would she believe him anyway, so what was the point? It hurt him that they would all so readily believe so badly of him, but he wasn't totally blameless, and he wouldn't have believed him either, given the evidence against him. He knew she had tried to get out of this last visit, but it was a condition of the will, and Roger Smith would not be swayed, for which Shawn was eternally grateful. This was his last opportunity to speak to her, to plead his case and try to win her back. He knew spending this week here with her, in the place they had made so many beautiful memories, was his best chance.

He went back to his room and unpacked. The promise ring was there, back in the box it had come in, he still wore his, he hadn't taken it off. A second box, a newer one, was also there. He stared at it, wondering if it would ever be needed. He had carried it with him for so long now, it had gone everywhere with him. He didn't want her to change her mind and come to him and not be ready for her. He heard the front door close and his heart missed a beat. Once again he wiped sweaty hands down his thighs. He had never been so apprehensive. Her footsteps on the stairs signalled her arrival and then she slowed in front of his door, almost to a complete stop, before continuing on. A moment later he heard her door close decisively. He opened his own door and as he did so he heard the lock on hers click shut. So that was how it was to be.