Only Alone

Home?

             Home isn't a place that I mind going to, it's somewhere I can get away from everyone and not worry about people watching me to closely. My parents are decent, just always working. Sometimes seems like I don't see them around as often. Maybe they're afraid I'm going to explode on them. No one has seen me broken down since the day it happened and I can sense they are worried about me.

               I just rather not let people see me weak anymore. People nowadays just want to see a reaction out of you but if you numb your feelings theres nothing to see but the blank look on your face and if the only way to stay numb infront of them is to be numb all the time then so be it. Don't get me wrong I love my parents but they shouldn't worry about me, I'm fine. I think..

           I hear foot steps coming up the stairs. I wonder who's home because no one is ever home at this time of day.

"Honey, you home?" I hear my mom call out. That's weird.

"Yess," I say simply with a questioning look on my face. She notices it and says.

"I got out early today because the computers shut down at work. I was thinking of making some salmon. Are you up for eating that?" She says this while staring at me lay on my bed staring at the ceiling.

"Sounds good, mom." Is all I say and she walks out of my room. Back to my train of thought.

          Is it bad to be numb? I really don't know, I have always just assumed it was whats best for me. However, it is my last year in high school and I'm not having all that much of a great time. But how am I suppose to have that so called "wonderful last year" if my best friend is dead and I can't do anything about it.

             Sometimes I just feel so hopeless. Why even bother trying if I'm just going to feel guilty at the end of the day, every night. Only if she was here, she could tell me what to do. Well if she was here I wouldn't have to even worry about this.

              We would have been at the cafe with Calvin laughing and joking around. Doing the usual thing we do every Tuesday after school. I smile thinking about our memories together. Yes, actually smiling and it feels so foreign. I just miss her so much and just as quickly as that smiled got on my face it quickly disappeared due to the feeling of missing her.

          I guess I'll just go downstairs and eat. It's not like I have anything better to do.