"So, you already decided?" Out of nowhere, her mother asked as she was packing foods for some order of her customers.
"You scared me, Ma!" Her mother chuckled.
"If this will help us, why not?"
"How about your online class? That will be just a hindrance!"
"Ma, brother is unwell and he needs maintenance and this thing is not a hindrance. At least this will help us."
Her mother only sighed as she hugged her.
"If you insist, then."
"Don't hesitate to call me when you have problems, okay? I am your mother."
She tapped the back of her mother as she gives her a fake smile.
Months passed by when she was able to help her brother treat his illness together with the help of their mother. They join forces in making their small business succeed. She didn't expect to have more buyers in her online selling as she also didn't expect to gain a best friend and another... friend. At first, she just casually made a conversation with the girl, as a seller she needs to accommodate and be friendly towards her customers, but later on, they became a friend and now best friends. Her best friend already knows that she had a suitor, and she keeps insisting to give him a chance but she can only offer friendship as of now. Being committed is not yet on her list. Her best friend respects her decisions. She's very glad that she had a chance to meet someone like her best friend who is very kind and understandable.
The past few days went smoothly as she is happy to know that her brother recovered and their online selling business continuously expand. Her mother will temporarily handle their small business if ever she's occupied with loads of works and activities from their class. She found contentment. She feels like she's carrying less from what it used to before. The things that keep her busy serve as a diversion in letting herself imprison again in the darkness of the room where no one, even herself, can save. She hates when she's losing herself again because she feels like she's in a spiral world where she infinitely keeps spinning over with no end.
Just like how immeasurable it takes, it is also how fast the pace changes every rotation it takes. Suddenly, the turn of tables rapidly swiftly to another image.
The plant that has already withered and has no means to live any longer just got revive a month ago and was close to feeling again the heat of the sun. But unfortunately, it did not last long.
Drugs.
Friends.
Influence.
Her brother almost killed someone. The victim was in critical condition. The parents of the victim were in so much rage that they want her brother to be in the cell of the prison. The police concluded that it was indeed the influence of drugs that made her brother commit the crime. The news that broke made her mother lose consciousness.
The problems piled up. Thinking about her brother laying hopelessly in the secluded room with a danger that would possibly happen every minute made her anxious and at the same time, she also felt anger towards her brother. She questioned herself where did their mother and her lack that he did such terrible and inhumane things. Is it because they grow up as an incomplete family? Or is it just their mother cannot provide all caprices he whined every time he needs something? She doesn't know anymore.
She sadly looked at her mother weakly laying in the hospital bed. She feels like the world is against every little thing she enjoyed doing. That every time she feels happiness something unpleasant would come after.
She heard a groaned from her mother and a minute after it turns into sobbing. Her heart cracked as she witnessed her mother in a miserable state. She feels like she's such a useless that even in simple thing, she can't do it right or even help at least.
That night, she roamed anywhere but her place. She just wants some tranquility. The issue about her brother spread like wildfire and have been circulating all over their place. Hearing the same dilemma gives her a headache. Plus they bombarded with so many activities in an online class that she doesn't know where to start first. But what makes her in deep sorrow is that their online selling business, where they make profits, suddenly goes down. The reason? There are already a lot of sellers when a pandemic strikes that buyers can choose every option they want. She just lost interest in everything.
She saw a playground not far from the church. She sat in the swing she found nearby and gently made a sway out from it. The coldness of the night that hit made her shuddered in instant. She stared longingly at the distance of the church and saw how the lights dance itself without the rhythm and uniquely glows amidst the darkness of the night.
Christmas is really just around the corner after all but she can't feel it. Cries of a child snap her out from deep thinking. She saw a boy helplessly lying down on the ground as he was crying for help from someone. The mother arrived and yelled at her son for being careless. She sadly smiled at two as they turned their back on her.
Her face lit up when she saw her best friend from afar walking, holding two cups of ice cream. She was about to approach her when she suddenly halted from her tracks.
That is why even a simple Hi from her best friend through chat is hard to get a hold of.
She's been waiting for any signs that her best friend would suddenly pop out of nowhere and hopefully said that 'Everything would be okay' as an assurance to still keep hold to something inevitable to break. But it was contrary to what she expected.
Sitting comfortably like a couple at the far bench is her best friend together with a man who promised to wait until she's ready but all was just sweet words coming from a liar's mouth. Her whole body feels numb as she returns home. She doesn't feel pain or any emotions that would break her but instead, she felt empty.
She opened the door of her mother's room and saw that she's already in a deep sleep. She can still vividly remember every slaps their mother received out from the anger of their father. It marked on her mind until now how hopeless their mother was. They can't do anything from that time, even can't defend because they were still so young back then. All they can do is to both cry as they plead to their father to stop hurting their mother.
She literally broke down as she went to her room and slowly kneeled down to cry out all of her frustrations.
Maybe she's not meant to live in this world as everyone is opposed to her.
That night, amidst the pandemic, the month of November, and the approaching of Christmas, she ended everything.
