Outlaws

Chapter Six

A/N: Bucky's POV just so you are able to have a rare peek into his mind before it switches back to Ayla later in the chapter.

What is it about Ayla?

I think to myself over and over as I paces back and forth in my room, walking past my stacked collection of notebooks full of scattered and broken memories. Have I met her before, why does she feel so familiar to me, why can't I feel as at ease about Ayla being on a mission than I do with Natasha being on a mission, when clearly Ayla is more than capable of handling herself perfectly well?

What is it about her that is making me stress at the idea of not being by her side right now? The questions spiralling chaotically through my mind so rapidly that I can't have a moment to attempt an answer for any of them. Realising that pacing is not helping me to come to a conclusion, calm me down or even offer a clue; I sit on the edge of my bed and grab one of my notebooks to see if any of them hold a clue about her. Instead I find myself staring through the book rather than at it's scribbled pages, opting to raid my own fragmented memories for a clue that not even my notebook will provide. 

"What's on your mind tinman?"

Snapping my head up I am startled by the sudden voice breaking my focus, my body reflexively tensing ready to fight before my mind processes its just Sam. Once I recognise Sam with his hands in the air and his face showing a mockery of alarm I exhale and calm down.

"Nothing."

"Haven't seen you this jumpy in a while so it doesn't seem like nothing..." Sam suggests looking at the scattered notebooks around me eyeing me with a raised brow.

"It's nothing." I affirm, trying to hint Wilson to leave it alone.

"This is about Winters isn't it?" He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and I roll my eyes at him, annoyed with his persistence interrupting my personal mission.

"Alright, Icarus you know what, get out."

"Oh but the sun is feeling mighty warm today..." Sam laughs as he takes a step further into my room rather than out of it. He does take notice of the warning look I shoot him though and shrugs. "Fine, I will leave it alone if and only if you take the wings for another test flight."

"You know exactly why that won't be happening Sam." I glower at him, remembering the first and last time I let him convince me to take flight which did not end well. I swore to myself I would never touch those wings again, I can pilot many things but I will leave those to Sam.

"So you know I won't be dropping it then?" Sam laughs as he steps toward my bed and reaches to grab a notebook off it, I stop him abruptly these books are a boundary I won't let anybody cross. "Come on man, I haven't seen you this stressed about something in a while I'm just worried is all."

"Well don't be, like I said it's nothing, I just thought I was remembering something. Now I am starting to forget what I thought I was remembering. Again."

I shake my head, realising that there is no memory of Ayla, that what feels familiar is simply what I have learned about her and what I see in her reflecting me. I wants to protect her from becoming the monster that I am. Which is why I don't want her on a mission involving Hydra without me there. I don't want her to risk being captured and forced into the same life I was forced into. She is exactly the kind of well-trained soldier looking for a fight that Hydra hunt down and I have just lead her straight into their line of sight. The idea of that happening terrifies the remnants of my shattered soul out of me because of how possible it is that it could become reality. If that does happen, I will have nobody to blame but myself and there is no way I can live with that.