𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐕𝐄𝐃 𝐎𝐅 𝐘𝐎𝐔 ❪ 𝘣𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘦 ❫

32

''You know, I am so proud of you, Rachel. You have gone through so much in such a short space of time.''

A broken heart is caused many things — mostly a lover leaving, but mine was broken by my mother's suicide, and worsened by my eating disorder, as I see it now.

A broken heart is the worst. It's like having broken ribs, nobody can see it, but it hurts every time you breathe. 

The pain was unbearable at the beginning, and from then on, it just got more and more overpowering. 

It seemed everything had gone wrong — absolutely everything. All I wanted was control. Control was one of the many things I had lost, and I felt the only way I could get it back in my life was by controlling what happened to me; what I ate, what I drank, what I did to my body. 

Now, it seems so feeble and just so — so messed up. 

The hands encompassing my ribs just got tighter and tighter, and my own hands took out my heart and broke it — broke it, threw it on the floor, smashed it into a million pieces, and hid the shards, never to be found again. 

Until Garfield. 

He found every shard, hidden deep within myself. He took them all, carefully stitching and sowing them together to find me again. 

When my mother died, it took away a part of me. Her death made me feel empty. Maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we love. 

And now a part of me is left in Garfield, for him to keep.  

But I don't feel so empty anymore.

''I love you so much, Garfield, it's hard for me to explain.''

He smiles. 

So this is what love is.

I used to ask myself all the time what it was, this idea, this feeling, that seemed so out of reach for me, and my mother. 

You know you love someone when you wake up, and they're your first thought and you've looked at your phone to see if they have texted you or called you. Your heart skips a beat when you see a message, and sadness creeps up on you when you see they haven't. When you go to bed, you fall asleep thinking about them. It's when you miss them and it hasn't even been a day, an hour, a minute or even a second. It is mostly when you put their needs before your own. When their happiness is more important than your pain. When you really love someone you are willing to give it your everything.

Kori's parents — you can see how in love they still are, after all their time together. The way they look at each other, the way they smile, the way her dad always buys flowers for her mum. It's shown in many ways. 

I never thought I'd ever experience any love in my life. As I have grown older, I have gradually pieced together the absence of my father in my life: why my mother never talked about him, and when she did, she'd clam up, go pale, tears in her eyes. 

I always knew deep down what happened. 

But I couldn't bring myself to accept it. Knowing it made my life seem just that little less important to live through. 

I was an accident, I was never meant to be — to put it simply, my mother was raped. 

But I realise now that it doesn't matter how I came to this Earth, I was here for a reason. 

Everyone is here for a reason. 

We all go through different challenges, some that threaten to destroy us, but we will all make it out in the end. We will achieve what we are meant to and we will all accomplish our life lesson. 

And I know mine now. 

My lesson is to learn how to love. How to love somebody else, and how to let them love me. 

I smile as he delicately places a kiss on my forehead.

''It's late,'' he says, smiling one of his grins that makes me fall even harder for him. ''Half an hour till midnight actually.'' 

It's then I remember what day it is. Christmas Eve. The firework display is meant to be tonight, at midnight. He knows it as well. 

''The roof?'' we say simultaneously, dissolving in laugher.  

I may have lost my mother, the only remains of my family who I know at least, but the world will never let you face the rest of your life alone. 

There will always be at least one person to help you in life. 

And Garfield is that person for me.

lololol my mum is calling me for dinner right now so i will write this note later or not hahahhahha. so pls check for any errors i didnt read this AND YES I KNOW THEY ARE ADORABLE OMG give me criticism is well ty luv u guys u awesome comment down below