I'll Never Finish This Book

TWENTY-THREE

January 13:

For a while, sleep was hard to come by. I stayed up that night, working on my book. Like my life, I didn't know where the story was going. Life imitates art, I suppose. My lack of flow was interrupted by the sound of the doorknob rattling.

I dreaded the sound of his key in the lock. It had been three days since I heard it, and since I saw him. I wondered why he wasn't spending the night at her place again. Eli slammed the door shut and walked to the bathroom without saying a word.

I picked up my things and moved over to the bed to avoid speaking to him. The longer he spent in the bathroom, the more my mind raced. I wondered why he was home, why he seemed upset, if he was even upset, and if he was mad at me. I shut the laptop after struggling to get back to writing.

After about ten minutes, he fell onto the couch, rested his feet on the coffee table, and stared at the TV.

He shook an empty takeout container. "Aww, you got 2 am Chinese food without me?" He broke the silence.

I looked over at him, "Well, yeah. If I waited on you to come home to eat, I'd die of hunger." I spoke bluntly.

He laughed. I wasn't trying to be funny.

"Where've you been?" he asked, concerned.

It took me a while to realize he was speaking to me. "I could ask you the same thing." He stared blankly at me. "I've been getting my book done," I added.

"Without me?" He looked hurt.

"Well, yeah. You've been busy."

"You jealous, Rhodes?" he teased.

"Yeah, that's what I am...I just need to get the book done. It's due very soon."

Of course I was jealous. She was his first girlfriend, his first handhold, his first kiss, his first love, his first...everything. She got him to open up. She wasn't hesitant or afraid like I was. I held him back. I always needed that push to give him a good time. He didn't need to do that with her.

She gave him the kind of love that took him on memorable adventures- the kind of love that led him to rooftops, where she directed his attention up towards the stars. Those were the same stars the two of us gazed at- the stars we thought were more spectacular than any we had ever seen before. Now he was too busy looking at her to notice any of that.

"Yeah, Emily's been stressin' me lately. We got into an argument today. There's only so much I can take, you know?"

I didn't need to hear it, so I pretended to sleep. I tossed and turned, bothered by the mention of her.

I sighed. "Can you please lower the volume," I complained about the TV. I used to fall asleep to the shows he watched, but I now found the sound to be unbearable. I used the blanket to cover my face from the light. I used to find his presence comforting, but I now couldn't stand being near him.

I felt the mattress sink as Eli sat by me on the bed. I didn't bother making more room for him. The plan to keep my back turned to him in hopes that he would get up wasn't working. My left arm grew numb, and I was forced to turn around on the side facing him. Our eyes made contact, and he smiled softly at me. The wall guarding my heart came tumbling down, and I melted for him once more.

Going against my better judgment, I adjusted myself until my head found comfort in the crevice between his neck and shoulder. He inhaled deeply, wrapping one arm around me while using the other to play with my hair.

I wanted him to stay. More than anything, I wanted him back. I knew she was his first love. I also knew that he was protective of his first love. That was probably why he never mentioned her to me before. Their relationship was precious to him because he thought she'd be around forever. When he lost her, it was understandable that he tried distracting himself, even if it was with me.