Press. Release. Wait.

The Slightly Longer Than Fifteen Minutes Journey

My feet slowed. I could feel how fast I had been going and slowly hastened into a speedwalk. And then a walk. My pulse decreased.

Rest.

Shut up body.

The adrenaline was fading. The panic of the moment was slowing into a monotonous, half-sleep walk.

Each step brought with it conflicting feelings. I dreaded stepping back onto the train. I dreaded hearing from some kind of ghost Adam. His words incredulous as I explained to him what happened.

Okay.

It's not important right now.

Delete it.

It never happened.

He'll never believe you.

He would never believe me. He doesn't even believe me now. I wondered maybe what he thought was happening. I couldn't really explain it either.

The air was slowly getting warmer. My breath misted into nothingness.

I hadn't even realized but I had been shivering that entire time. The shaking of my body was slowing too.

My feet stumbled over themselves for a second.

Get it together.

My feet stumbled again. Almost falling into the gray-blue dust in front of me.

Get it together.

Shut up.

I stopped. Then I leaned against the wall. My shaking knees brought themselves to the ground. I wasn't really sure how to stop it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to stop it.

My breathing slowed.

Are you okay?

I thought for a second.

No.

Then you need to get up.

No.

Yes.

...

Do it.

No.

If you don't get up...

I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE. JUST LET ME SLEEP.

If you don't get up now you won't get up again.

...

My eyes jammed themselves open. I knew that was right. My body was shutting down. I needed something. I needed...

I needed water.

I couldn't remember putting the water in my bag. Apparently I had slung my torn purse around my back at the beginning of the journey. It was still there. Thank God.

My shaking hands flew through the zipper, breaking it.

Now I have to buy a new purse when I get out of this.

I breathed deep. It's good that I was thinking this way. Thinking about what can happen after.

I felt the cool bottle in my hands. I didn't feel thirsty. I didn't feel much of anything though. I just felt tired. So very tired.

I scrabbled at the cap, breaking the seal. Then I brought the bottle to my lips.

Go slow. Not like last time.

I poured a tiny amount into my mouth. It barely wet my dry mouth. Tipping more water into my mouth, I began to chug it voraciously. I felt the water soothe my dust-coated lips and go down my throat.

A few breaths. Then back to water.

Slow down.

My hand brought itself back. Lips still sucking at air, trying desperately to get the sensation back.

I had to steady my hand to keep it from going back. I had to slow down. I had to stop. I needed to walk.

I grabbed at my other hand and took a few deep breaths. The water was still half-full. At least I was able to pace myself to some extent.

That was enough. Just enough for me to come to some awareness. I needed to get up and I needed to get back to the train. I placed the water bottle down carefully. My still-shaking hands felt in the dirt for the cap. I must have dropped it in my haste. Only rocks and sand flowed through my fingers. I grabbed my flashlight and began to coat the ground in pale blue. My hands scrabbled through the dirt again, drenched in the light. But I still couldn't see anything.

"Fuck!"

My voice rang out and echoed all through the walls of the structure.

I looked out, suddenly remembering where I was.

Go. I had to go. Stop wasting time.

My knee went to the ground in anticipation.

I sprang up, immediately tripping over my water bottle and launching it straight at my shirt.

"Fuck!"

I fell hard onto the ground, soaking my shirt in what was left of the water. My panicked movements brought me back to my hands and knees. I immediately brought the water bottle upright. It was too late. It was empty.

Leave. Just leave.

I sighed deeply, trying not to lean into the nervous breakdown that was sure to come.

Breathe.

I ignored the water bottle and simply got up. Then I began to walk. It felt better to begin to move. Even though my muscles felt stiff and the sore and my back cried out at every step. It was nice to do something that felt useful. That felt... like something. I don't know how long I walked. I don't know long I had walked getting to that spot. My exhaustion was still there. My pounding headache from stress and dehydration was still there. But it felt almost like they were coming from a different person. If I just didn't pay attention it was like I was watching a movie of this. I could just ignore it and I felt nothing.

That probably wasn't good. But it was the only thing that could keep me going.

I imagined myself as a watcher from above. I was walking, albeit slowly. A deliberate pace. A pace I could keep up for a while. I was just a small silhouette in an endless void of black.

Just a pale blue shape in the darkness. Making its way to somewhere pointless. For pointless reasons. This wasn't the world. It was just a movie. Just a movie where I could watch from above and the feelings and pain would all just go away when I flipped a switch. Or I could just look away.

I looked into the darkness, then I closed my eyes. I could feel the wall against my hand. And I could hear my feet slowly pacing through the dirt.

I needed to think. I needed to think in a vacuum. I don't know what any of this has been. I don't know if it's real or fake. Maybe it was just a movie this whole time.

Stop thinking that.

Okay. Okay. Don't think that way. I get it. I didn't have much time for thinking. I couldn't tell Adam when I got back. I couldn't tell him anything.

I opened my eyes again.

Nothing got done. I did nothing.

And I could see the silver glint of steel that indicated the front of the train slowly coming.

What are we going to do about it.

I knew the answer. I knew the answer without even thinking.

Nothing.