Innocent Rose

1. Out With The Old, In With The New

TW: mentions of mental illness, s*icide, unstable household, and slight mention of ED

For the past year, I've gone through the same old routine. Wake up, shower, get dressed, eat, go to school/work, then come home and sleep. It's come to a point where I feel like I'm a robot or in some sort of time loop.

I should've expected it, considering I'm a college student and all. But I never expected to have to move out of the city of the college I'm going to because my mother didn't approve of me taking a year off and then decided on going to community college.

I've been living with my dad, my step mom and my younger half siblings because of it, and it honestly isn't all that great. I have to wake up at 5 am, get ready and catch the am bus at 6:30, and after a few hours of riding the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority (MBTA), I make it on time for my shift at work or school.

But the thing that sucked the most is the household is toxic. My dad and step mom argued like no tomorrow and seemed to like having screaming matches at each other. It's at that point that I'm surprised the neighbors haven't called the cops yet. There's also my dad with his comments to my sister and I about wanting a second plate and said we'll get fat over time.

I don't fat shame, but I think I would rather listen to the radio tell me bullshit fake uninteresting Reddit stories than a man who is 3X. He's honestly one of the reasons why I struggle to eat properly.

It also awkward as fuck going to family events being the step child when the parent moved on and made their own family. If it wasn't for the love I receive from my cousins, younger siblings, and my friends, I probably would've killed myself a long time ago or at least succeeded in my drunken attempt when I was a teenager (and it wasn't even intentionally either).

My only escape from this bullshit was work and school. As much as I enjoyed making my own schedules, and being able to balance work and school, doing Amazon really isn't worth it, especially working at the Whole Foods part of it. They make such a hassle over groceries to be packed within 30 minutes, it's fucking dumb.

I sometimes miss my old job because I could leave earlier. But cashier and customer service work doesn't always stay for too long, especially with the minimum wage being $15 per hour while Amazon was $17. I had to take the chance. Plus, Savers had shitty management, no wonder so much of the old crew left.

It was only September 10th and I was already freezing my ass off when I woke up, the usual routine for Massachusetts (The moment it hits September, the weather indicates winter in the morning, summer/spring in the afternoon, and when it hits 4pm, it's fall and then winter at 6pm.).

I use to sleep with an air conditioner on full blast every night and wake up freezing cold even in winter, but it never felt deadly cold compared to my dads. Everyone sleeps with a fan on and wake up with shivering teeth but they didn't care if their room happened to be colder than the outside. That's why I always wear slippers or shoes in here.

I stood in the bathroom mirror, staring at myself.

Tan skin with milia all over my face (even on my eyelids), dark circles under my eyes, minimal blackheads on my nose but it wasn't too bad. My curls were still drying after the shower I took, but it's mostly the gel I applied that kept it looking wet. The red was way too overgrown to even be considered an ombré at this moment and it faded to a blonde rust color. It was awkward and ugly, but it did help with keeping me out of the spotlight.

I tightly squeezed my cheeks, making my lips squish together and pucker out, then let go. I sighed, rubbing my dry hands before walking out of the bathroom and into the living room, looking through my book bag to see if I had everything.