When you grow up fat you learn a couple things. Like how black makes you look slimmer. Like how walking with a slight hunch makes your stomach less prominante. Like how you should always own a belt. Like how longer hair makes your figure look nicer and conceals your chubby face. Never put your hair in a pony tail. Never wear a bikini. Always make sure someone else is eating before you do. Never get second plate with people around.
You learn that being thin means boys and girls will like you. Only the thin guys and girls in magizines and in movies get to have a happily ever after. You have to make up for your lack of beauty with jokes and small treasures. Dont look in the mirror. Dont step on the scale or better yet. Step on it. Step on it again. Read the number. Again. Again. Again. Is it changing? It should be. You are healthy? No you arent. You are beautiful? No you arent.
Try again.
Try again.
Try again.
I live in a cycle of anger. Anger and terror of my own body. "I'm so fat I dont fit in my jeans anymore." Honey, those jeans wouldn't fit on my calf. You look like a hourglass of perfection that I would give my heart and soul for. Dont say you are fat till you are scared to sit in a chair when someone invites you over. Till you dont eat all day and despite feeling dizzy you wont eat if everyone else isn't cause everyone will stare. There is the fat girl.
YOU ARE READING
My 3am Thoughts
PoetryThis are the moments when I am alone at 3am and my mind wont turn off. I am going to be talking about topics that arent suitable for young audiences as well as isnt for anyone easily triggered. Thanks.
