After all this time...A FLAC story

Chapter 10

Early the net morning, Jac was woken by a gentle knock on her bedroom door. Jac felt her heart start to race, knowing it could only be one person. 'Fletch?' she questioned out loud,

Without opening the door, Fletch explained that he had had a desperate call form the hospital who were incredibly short of nurses for the next shift on Darwin. Of course, Jac knew before he said it that he would have volunteered to cover the shift. Jac was touched that Fletch was asking her if she minded. Of course she didn't, she would do the exact same thing if needed. Without leaving her bed she said goodbye to Fletch. Hearing the front door close behind him a few minutes later she realised that this was the first time in over a week that she had been alone in her home. Being on her own was not unusual for Jac, after all when Emma was with Jonny, she was alone then, but she always made sure she was working. Realising how quiet the house felt without Fletch or Emma there with her, she had a strange feeling in her stomach. Reaching for her safe place, her journal, Jac began writing again.

*Journal Extract*

Fletch. Right now there are so many things I want to be able to tell you. But I can't. So I will keep them all safe here instead. Having you staying with me in my home has made me realise so many things that I've spent the last few years burying and hiding. Not just from you and the outside world. But even from myself. Having you here for a week has been one of the easiest changes that I think I've ever had to adapt to. I am sure ill never give you the pleasure of knowing this, but its true. I don't know what made me message you and offer for you to stay here. I know you would agree with me that we really had drifted apart after....well after everything. I just knew I needed to know you were safe. After loosing Essie, you've been such a support to Sacha and I will always be so grateful for that. I do what I can for him, but I know he vales your love and kindness more than you will know. I know you have Ange, but part of me wanted to be there to support you and help you. Sacha had let on that you and Ange weren't seeing eye to eye on certain things since your surgery, and I guess I just wanted you to have someone there, even if you didn't know it, who wanted to support you and make sure you were ok. The amount of times you've been there for me when no one else would be...I will never ever to repay you for all these times, but I hope by making sure you are safe and happy during this awful pandemic is just a small thing I can do. When I first heard you were ill, I felt physically sick. I know I stayed on the side-lines, but I would have and still would, do absolutely anything to make you better and keep you here. The thought of loosing you...I cant put in to words what that would do to me.

I know I shouldn't, but with you here and close again, my mind has been drifting back to all the years we have worked together and how our relationship has changed. I wish I could go back to a time when I had you as a close friend. If I am really honest I wish I could go back to a time where we had that chance to be more than friends. Every reason I had for us not being 'us', they still stand. I can't be the partner you deserve, the mother figure to your children. But...if I could go back, id take the chance to be all those things. For you. For us. I would give every part of me to go back and make it all work.

I remember when I was in hospital, after my breakdown, you came to visit. You asked me out right if my breakdown was linked to 'us'. Of course, I denied it. But partly it was. I, yet again, had to torture myself seeing you with someone else everyday. Someone who could make you happy. After seeing Joseph return with her woman he had picked over me all those years ago made me see it even more. Everyone I loved and cared about and who I've eventually pushed away have always managed to move on and be happy. But not me. I couldn't. Of all the men in my life I have pushed away, you are my biggest regret. Even though we aren't as close anymore, all the qualities that made me have feelings are you are still there. I still see them. The way you put others before yourself, even when you had been ill. The way you never fail to turn someone's frown into a smile. The fact you are a brilliant father. That boyish grin. Your infectious laugh. That tie!

I feel so lucky to have you back in my life. My biggest fear right now, is how I am going to stop myself from letting how I have felt about you for the last few years, bubble to the surface? Even 7 days in I am struggling. I will spend the next days or weeks, or however long we have trying to make sure you are happy, healthy and safe. I know you are with Ange and I respect that and I promise to keep my feelings hidden. I wish I could rewind time. I love you Adrian Fletcher. I am pretty sure I always will.

*end of extract*

Jac looked at what she had written. It was not the first time she had written something for an invisible audience. She knew, if she wanted to, she could read back in the journal and find notes to Jasmine, Emma and even her mother. Of all the disjointed ramblings on that page, five words stood out. I love you Adrian Fletcher. Feeling a little weight lifted off her shoulders just from the action of writing the words down. Jac smiles and slid her journal away.