Dignity's Worth

Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Well, that was a lot for the day. I let her take an afternoon nap and went outside for a little walk. I needed a break from all that was going on in my mind, so I walked a little farther out of the colony into one of those small convenience stores.

"How can I help you?" asked the lady, and that was usually not the kind of politeness you'd expect around the area. Nobody asked that anymore.

"Cigarettes." I replied.

She eyed me suspiciously.

"Are you old enough?"

"Does it matter if I am?"

"Not really." she laughed, getting me a pack, "But you better think twice before having one of these."

"I've already thought, thank you very much."

I removed one cigarette and kept the rest of the pack in my jacket. Then I paid her.

"Lighter?" I asked.

"Oh yes."

People say that there's a lot of coughing and uncomfortable sensations when you have your first cigarette, but I felt nothing of the sort. I smoked with such ease, as if it was a regular thing for me. And I guess that's the way it was. It just came naturally to me. As if something missing had been finally found.

Now don't start getting ideas, you bastards you. I was not a chain smoker. But this whole Martin affair had me a little depressed. Part of it was from what had happened to Mary, and part of it was from what was about to happen to Martin. So I just needed a little break, just a break that's all.

And so every time I was worried or anxious about something, there was nothing like a good cigarette that would cheer me up. Initially when I was still living with my parents and everything I had to hide my habit from them, because I knew they'd be ashamed of me if they ever found out.

But getting back to the narrative. I didn't do anything much that afternoon. Went to the park, sat down on a bench for about an hour, turns out Lucy was there too. She noticed my cigarette first, and me later.

"You- you smoke?" asked she, sitting down next to me. I could tell she was a bit offended by this behaviour of mine, but who wouldn't be?

"Not really," I answered, "this is my first."

"Don't lie."

"I'm not lying."

"Okay. Whatever you say. Just so you know, I don't see you in a lower light just because you smoke."

"That's very nice of you, Lucy. Are you disappointed in me though?"

"A little. But it's nothing I can't get over."

"You ever smoked?"

"No. I've never been fascinated with cigarettes."

"You think I'm fascinated by cigarettes?"

"No." she answered again, "I guess you just have a lot on your mind right now."

She always said the right thing.

"I do have a lot on my mind," I told her, "how did you know?"

"Just... something about you. Doesn't take me much time to figure out if you're upset or angry."

"Well I'm neither of those. I'm just a little worried."

"What for?"

I looked at her. I couldn't tell her, could I? I guess it was too soon for that.