Lock and Key

Dead Man Walking

It had been two, no, three months since Grace had reunited with the Apex kids. She'd done her best to explain to them the point of the train; the goal of getting your number down and going home. Some kids took to it better than others, but they all understood eventually. Grace remembered watching her first go home. It had been only a week after her return when Lucy had gotten her number to zero and gone home to her family. Everyone had cried and Grace had done her best to comfort the children.

It hurt her too, even if it made her more happy than sad. The first thing Grace had done when she'd rejoined the children was make the trip to retrieve Hazel. It had been a relatively smooth trip both ways so Grace had been thankful for that. Besides, the look on Hazel's face when an army of kids gathered around all excited to meet her and be her friend was absolutely priceless. They'd made a nice home in what they'd dubbed the lake car.

Tents were set up on the banks and the kids would happily go play in the water while Grace watched them. They'd often go out to see if any denizens in other cars needed help with anything. It was a routine, it was comfortable, Grace rarely throughout about the things that caused her panic attacks. They still happened of course. The first time it had happened in front of the children had been the worst however.

They'd all crowded around her, their voices blending together. Hazel had gotten them to back off of her but Grace still needed to lie down for the rest of the day afterward. The Apex kids and Hazel spent the next two days absolutely doting on her which she'd hated. Her attempts to convince them that she was fine meant nothing. Sometimes they'd talk about Simon and Grace was fine with that. She'd learned far too many times that denying his existence did nothing.

Besides, she still kept their picture with her at all times. A month ago one of the kids, Nick, asked her about him after having seen the photo. He'd said something to the effect of; "Do you miss him?" Grace didn't know how to answer that question. The first thought that came to her mind was no. Grace couldn't think of a single time that she'd woken up and wished things were the way they'd been before.

And yet, she still kept a time capsule from then. A more honest answer was that Grace missed having someone she felt she could rely on for everything. Someone who you could trust with your life, with your secrets. Simon hadn't been that for her in a long time. But he had been once, and maybe that was what Grace missed. In the end she'd given a different response all together.

"It doesn't matter." Grace wasn't sure if it was the truth or not but it felt good to say. That whether or not she missed Simon didn't matter because it didn't. Those feelings were valid, but ultimately, irrelevant. This had apparently been an acceptable answer because Nick walked off to go play with his friends and no one ever asked her about Simon again. Grace laid there, thinking about all of this as she stared at the ceiling of her tent.

She could keep lying there, keep thinking about everything that had happened and how it had made her feel, but that didn't really matter now either. All of the kids were at home. The day before yesterday, early in the morning hours, the final one had gotten her exit. The rest of that day and the day after had felt like a veritable haze for Grace. She'd dedicated herself to getting all of the kids home and she'd done it. And yet she still felt unworthy of an exit herself.

Grace heard a snore in her tent and quickly sat up only to see Hazel curled up on the opposite side of the tent from her. Grace didn't remember her being in there when she'd gone to sleep but then again yesterday had been such a blur for her that it was wholly possible that she had been and Grace had simply forgotten it. At that moment Grace decided she needed some air and as quietly as she could crept out of the tent.

The sun was just rising over the lake and it shone reflecting it's yellow-orange rays over the water. Grace was reminded of attending Tuba's funeral with Hazel. A stray tear fell down her face that she didn't know what to do with. Grace took a seat in front of the lake and watched the sunrise basking in the feeling. She was okay, her kids were okay. She reached in her fanny pack and removed the crumpled dollars that Amelia had given her. Counting it out in total it was about $275, enough to stay a few nights in a cheap motel.