goodnight moon

wouldnt mind

Light from the campfire flickers illuminating Levi's face from across the ring.

It's late- past midnight and the majority of the group traveling with us towards Shiganshina had already fallen asleep, or had moved away from the roaring fire to give us space.

There's a kind of peaceful calm in the air despite the tense situation.

"The fuck are you thinking about?" Levi jokes tossing another log into the blaze, it catches immediately the wood popping and smoking in the fire.

"Just how we're going to die tomorrow- what about you Captain," I tease back smiling wildly.

As much as everyone tries to resist dating- it's inevitable.

Eventually if you aren't dead you'll be promoted to squad captain or some other over-glorified role. None of that matters when you're dead- you just leave behind unfinished paperwork and broken promises.

For that reason it doesn't make sense to fall in love.

Emotions never make sense though.

You're right.

Levi flips me off, frowning at the sound of the title.

When you've been in the corps for long enough you end up becoming friends with people just because you've both been around for forever.

There's a twisted sense of comfort in looking into someone's eyes and seeing your desperation reflected back at you.

Maybe that's why the two of us fell in love.

"When we're back at headquarters I'm going to beat you," he rolls his eyes.

When.

I appreciate how it's never 'if' with him.

Even though we both know that the more we're out here the more likely 'when' turns to 'never.'

"I'd like to see you try," the fire continues to crackle in between us, a trail of smoke like unspoken words blowing towards the heavens.

I don't think I fell in love with you because I saw my sadness in your eyes-

I don't think you fell for me out of desperation-

But maybe we talk like this because we're desperate.

'when we get back...' 'i can't wait to...'

Conversations full of promises- pretending like we know what's going to happen tomorrow before it happens.

I'm desperate because I love you.

The two of us fell in love for moments like these- chatting idly while our unspoken worries curled into the sky above us.

There's comfort in the unspoken.

Comfort in knowing that someone else notices your silent screams.

"It's late," I muse tucking my knees under my chin.

"Are you cold?" He asks, glancing warily at me.

"So cold I could die."

"Get over here then," there's a rustling noise as I glance up to see him shifting over to make room for me.

"Hey Levi?" I ask now safely nestled next to him, my head laying on his shoulder.

"Yeah?" He hums comforting vibrations reaching my ears.

"Do you believe in god?"

"Fuck no," he grumbles. "What sick god would leave us in this shithole?"

"You're right about that one. At least we're in this shithole together."

"I'll give god that one," he flips off the sky, wrapping an arm around me as I begin to drift off.

I've never been a religious person either-

But something about you makes me want to believe in something.

I've heard one of the more devout cadets talking about it- 'heaven' an 'afterlife'

I think that I wouldn't mind praying to a god if it meant that I would get to see you when I die.

I wouldn't mind it at all.

The log breaks in the fire- a flurry of embers fly off of it- spiraling upward in the night air.

I wouldn't mind.

______________

kinda a bit more of a personal piece idk in my mind she dies the next day but we'll leave it open ended.

based on a line from a phoebe bridgers song i can't get out of my head- and a few of my thoughts abt the corps. like why do people fall in love when it's against their best interests?? much 2 think abt. im rambling now but ive also just been sad about levi so there's that

- ami