Therapy Session

I Need To Rest Some Thoughts

This one's personal and it's all about the things I've seen serving with the men and women protecting this country. But often it's stuff like this that goes unseen.

Everyone knows it's a challenge to become a Marine, Soldier, Sailor, or even an Airman. But, almost no one knows how hard it is to continue to be one.

I'm not going to talk about the sleep, the pay, the treatment, abuse, physical requirements, or anything like that. I want to talk about the true loss.

You see, it's not only your rights that you give away, but it's your family, your friends, your relationships, and even your life. Sometimes it feels like it's all for nothing.

In my short time in the Marine Corps I've seen a lot of loss. Especially now in 2020! In a time span of only a few weeks when I was out in the desert I had witnessed several suicides. Those were just the Marines I knew. Thousands, if not millions of active duty and prior service Marines die every year and here are some of the ones that have troubled me lately.

During the COVID shutdowns no one could see their families, shit I haven't seen my family in well over a year at this point and I'm probably not going to see them for a very long time. Some people, like myself, have things back home keeping them worried. For me this is the fact that my mother has extensive brain damage and cysts, my sister is on suicide watch, and my animals back home are ill. I'm lucky that my circumstances aren't too bad.

Back in the desert many Marines were jumping from the highest balconies of their barracks for what seemed like every night. I experienced a shooting that resulted in the life of sailors and marines on base, and almost every instance was because they had lost hope in ever seeing their families.

As civilians we can take off work or simply come home from work to see our families or spend time with them. Because of this, it's easy to take them for granted. I was the same way. I used to resent my family when I could see them everyday or leave work if an emergency happened. How foolish I was..

If my mother dropped dead right now I wouldn't be able to go home to see her. I wouldn't be able to see her because I'm not authorized to leave my location due to shutdowns. Many other marines were in the same boat. Some couldn't handle it. Often times I struggle with it too.

Imagine missing every holiday, every birthday, every family event, every funeral, and every important date that you currently have the luxury of spending with your loved ones. Now imagine it's not just your mom or your sister but maybe your spouse or your kids? Every graduation, every sports game, you miss all of it and you can't give an excuse that anyone understands.

Well that is the struggle that everyone in uniform lives through and it's caused so many people to end their own lives in front of others who care and would literally take a bullet for them.

The memories of everyone I've lost, and everyone I've seen die just keeps crushing me inside. All it took to save them was just a second with the ones they loved. I can't help but blame myself. I could have died. I survived my fall from the 3rd story. I'm lucky. It's my fault for wanting more in life. It's my fault I can't see them.