My Medicine

1

TW's:
-Depression (suicidal thoughts)
-Self harm
-Emotional and mental abuse

The days got darker every day. The seizures kept coming. I was exhausted of them, it didn't stop. I was sore all day and no one could help me. I had been in so many hospitals and they all said the same.

I'm sorry, but we can't help you anymore. Try and relax as much as possible, stress triggers another seizure.

And so I tried relaxing, but there was no time to relax. School was taking so much from me, even though I understood it all, it was so extremely difficult. I had no real friends, they all left me as soon as they figured out about my epilepsy.

No one knew how it started, one day I suddenly got a seizure. They thought it was because of all stress I went through. The seizure happened right when I was almost breaking. That was a pretty normal thing in my situation. My parents were abusive. They didn't hit me, they just let me suffer when I was having another seizure. I could have died already and they wouldn't have cared.

This morning was a rough morning. I had two seizures in an hour. I had around 3 to 5 seizures a day when I had a good day. I went to school, but as soon as I felt a seizure coming, I directly went to the park. I always went to the park, it was very close and safe. I could just lay in the grass. In school no one would help me, so I was rather alone in the park. Teachers knew of my epilepsy and understood when I was gone again.

But because I was always gone, I couldn't keep up with the homework. And because I had so many seizures I was too tired to really keep up the same pace as everyone else. I slept 10 to 15 hours a day and I had seizures for at least 1 or 2 hours in total. That left 7 hours of which at least 5 hours school and 1 hour getting sworn at by my parents. 1 hour for homework and sleep again after being exhausted by seizures.

It was midday, I stayed at home today after having 5 seizures yesterday. I was very sore, all my muscles tensed up during a seizure and it still left me extremely sore. I was laying down on the couch constantly sleeping a little. I started to feel my arm tingle a little, which mostly led up to a seizure. It took only fifteen minutes when I felt the seizure coming up again. I felt sort of electrical shocks in my arm and started shaking a little. It didn't take long before I didn't remember anything of what happened next.

The seizure went by after ten minutes and I laid down. I didn't know what to do anymore. I was so tired and everything just hurt. I started sobbing softly and curled up as a ball. I felt a tear rolling down my face and I started crying. I heard my mother walking in and she looked at me.

'Why are you crying, are you a pussy?'

'I'm sorry, mum. I had another seizure and I'm really tired.'

'We are tired of you.'

'Sorry.'

'Go away.'

'Okay, mum.'

I stood up and walked upstairs. I laid down in my bed, crying even harder. I wish I had someone to talk to...

It was hours later when I stopped crying. I checked my phone, but I had no texts. It was almost the end of the year. Almost. Maybe next year, maybe I would finally meet someone. Someone who would help me.

I stood up and grabbed the blade from my desk. I rolled up my sleeves, revealing all my cuts and scars. Nobody cared so why would I? I made several cuts again, deeper and deeper. My arms were completely maimed of all my scars. Today was a really bad day. I already felt a new seizure coming up. I cried and cried and laid down again, waiting for the new seizure to pass by.

Was life still worth it? It definitely wasn't. I had nothing to live for. Maybe the little hope in me. I just hoped to meet someone. Just a friend, one friend. A reason to live for. Maybe? I could only wish, I would stay alive till next year and if no one would talk with me again- I would just end it all.

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