goodbye [michaeng] -stop updating-

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15 june 2019
9:30pm kst
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"dear mom ,

Remember that one time i told you i love you and you told me that you love me too?

I still remember it like it just happened yesterday.. but unfortunately it's not .

Remember that one time you told me you'll protect me from everything that could possibly hurt or harm me?

I trust you a lot after hearing those words came out from your own mouth .

But everytime i beg you to stop , that's when i know ..

Those words are empty .
You don't mean it at all .
I still think it's real though , because you're my mom .

you're my mom , the reason why I'm alive .
Well i think you are..
I don't know if you still think I'm your daughter..

Remember that one time , tears escape my eyes and run down through my cheeks after you spit those  hurtful words without even thinking about my feelings?

I died inside

My heart slowly broke into uncountable pieces , shattered on the cold floor .
the way you express your hatred on me , make me see the world in gray .

The colourful world that i see and once live in , turn into a world that only colourblind people can see .

Your words hurt me and i wish you know that .

Remember that one time you hold my hands tight and promised me that you'll never let me go?

Where did those promises go?
Where did you put it?
Did you throw it away?

Remember on my 9th birthday , you gave me a big hug and kiss my forehead lovingly?

It's been a long time mom...
I miss the warm embrace of yours and the wide smile writen on your face .

You look at me , telling me how you're so proud of me .

Telling me how happy you are to have me as your child .

But.. Do you really mean it?

Everyday i look in the mirror asking myself if i deserve life , if i deserve you and everything around me .
Everyday i try to hide the pain that is slowly killing me .
I tried to run away from the thoughts that aren't healthy for me . I tried to save myself from it .

But i can't , mom..

I'm drowning and i can't breath..
It's suffocating..

I'm still waiting for you..
To save me from myself .

But u never come and i think i really should give up .

Everything suddenly change after his death..

I'm there witnessing the scene infront me , with my own eyes .

The scream , the tears , the blurry words that people say , the way they run all over the place not knowing what to do and all the blood , 'his' blood .

I saw the way he die mom.. i was there witnessing him exhaling his last breath , i was there holding his hand and his soulless body that was covered with blood ,  I was there begging him to wake up .

I've tried my best to explain everything to you ,
but you keep on blaming me , saying that i'm the reason why those things actually happened .

You told me that , he wouldn't be dead if i save him .
you told me that , he will be alive right now if I'm not being selfish .

You told me all the negative things that i never think of..

i believe your words and i ended up blaming myself too .

I wish i can turn back time to where we're all happy and complete as a family .

I miss the old you .
I miss the old us .

I love you yesterday , today and tomorrow .

I promised myself to always love you , no matter what happen!

But i can't promise that I'll stay with you any longer .

See you again mom..

-sincerely ,
Your useless daughter .

p/s : I'm sorry that you need to read this after I'm gone , possibly gone .

Big possibilities though :) "