Gods will | Travis x Sallyface | BxB

Three of swords

You kinda have to pinch yourself each morning. When a someone you love is gone. Since the trial I have felt sick and everytime I eat there is a lump in my throat no matter how many times I swallow. My feet always feel heavy grounding me while my torso is light. If all the rumors from the church are true then he isn't truly gone. The The Child of the Abomination, I don't think that name really fits. I have always seen him with rose colored glasses, even to an unhealthy extent

Its been months since he was euthanized and even more since his conviction. I only ever visited him once, any strange behavior would lead to upheaval in the church. So I had to keep it on the down low.
It was a bitch and a half to get there and I already feel under so much stress hiding all this shit from the church. My father questions me constantly.

"I'm sorry" I look down onto the metal shelf. It was cold and their wasn't much room due to the glass wall between us.
He looked away not saying anything.
"You look different since the last time we talked" The air was tense but instead of the humid thickness it felt thin and hard to breath. I was shaking but I kept my calm.
" I.... You hate me don't you. I wouldn't blame you"
He had a shocked response it was the only movement he had. He jerked his head. Almost angry, but with him its hard to tell.
I caught a glimpse of his puffy eyes. He sighed "I don't hate you travis"
It was the only thing he said that day. I should have been relieved but I would feel better if he did hate me.

When I came out to everyone it felt like I had a place and every thing was fitting into place. Sometimes I think if only I accepted my feelings earlier, would the situation be different.

I have done so much shit for this position and if it means I have to stay in the closet than fine. I would do anything for him. But this time it's not just for him.
I remember leaving on my first mission. I know everyone was disappointed with me but once my father had told me about the church I had to find some way to help him out. He didn't know I was friends with sal and I know now I would have been used to turn on him. I didn't really have a choice, it was something expected of me.
If it wasn't for the fact I was his son and next in line for bishop at the church things would be different, I would have told sal everything. He told me about some of Todd's research and I knew this was the only way I could help. I kept my mouth shut and my eyes forward. I really didn't want him to worry.The only person I told was Lary.

"Don't tell sal. If he knew I was a part of this...."
"Look man, I don't agree with the church and I don't think you should sacrifice your self like this but I won't tell him" He looked stoically
"I love him"
"Yeah I know" he said as he put an arm around me.
"Me too bud" I know he meant it in a different way but I felt as if he understood.
"I am sorry for everything"
"Dude you always say that. We get it already" He said with a smirk
"Go kick ass and smoke grass" I made fun of him for smoking two kinds of pipe. It wasn't funny to me but he laughed.

I remember leaving a secret note for ash after the trial. At first she blamed sal but after that I felt a change in her. I must have changed too.

Since then however I have felt kinda  lost. I have no motivation anymore and every chance I get I follow traces of him. Before all of this I remember following them around town on my bike. I soaked in any chance I could to see him. Wondered what things would be like if we were or even If we could be together. This is not what I had in mind at the time. If I didn't pass information off to todd like I did it would have been a betrayal. I know they saw it that way.

"Illegitimi non carborundum" I pray to the sky hoping he could hear me. Hoping even God could hear me.
Would God understand? Would he forgive me? I am against everything he is. I am gay and I'm a leader in a church that wants to get rid of his existence.
"Dear god,
If you are even listening, I'm sorry, for everything. I don't deserve to be forgiven. If anyone is the abomination it is me but I have one thing to ask. Please allow sal to come back so he can properly be laid to rest. No unfinished existence. I would give anything if it just means his life was worth something. I know all I have done is unjustifiable but I love him so much. I know you don't forgive as easily as the bible says but on Cartaphilus' life I would give anything for him."
I look down at my hands. How dirty they seem.
"Amen".