I've sat in this very spot for what seemed like forever. Trying to come up with the right words to express what I've been feeling all these years. I never thought that this day would come that I would admit defeat. I felt that no matter the situation, you would some how be by my side. No matter who you were with, you were near me. These delusions had built up for years and it has only hit me now, that you have only been far from me. Part of me held the hope of you coming back to me and we would adventure out into reality together. I was wrong, the loneliness I feel right now is my reality. Being apart from you is the reality I face. When I stand near you, I believe to be transparent and shallow. If you wanted, you can walk right through me. I would let you. No self control anymore. Having to stray from you is something I fear. You could walk on me and I would feel the warmth I've been lacking. This is wrong of me. But no matter how hard I try to fight these thoughts, they reappear. No one should walk over me, right? Instead I should acknowledge my self worth. Never give people the option to take advantage of how I feel for their own needs. Though if I saw you, I would lack the willpower to stop you.
What is it about you that draws me in? You've hurt me countless of times. If anything I should tell you that your actions are unforgiveable and to leave my life. Yet I feel an ache in my chest if you look away. How did I fall into this bottomless pit of emotions and pain? Maybe it's from when I first met you, the very first moment you smiled at me, the moment our eyes lined up. When your eyes met mine, did you feel that same warmth I felt? My body stood still as my thoughts were ramped. I break down a little more when I linger on the past. Maybe that's it. I can't let go of the thought that you will be mine one day. I refuse to give up hope when we are still so young and have so much life to eventually find each other again. Once again, I feed into this delusion of you returning to me.
Is it bad?
Have I hurt you with these thoughts?
Is it my actions that caused you to leave me?
Maybe there's no blame to lie down and we just are too different from each other?
Yet a deep spot in my heart wishes to never give up as I never give up on my wishes or desires. I could not find myself to admit which one you are to me. Would it be so bad to say if you were both my wish and desire? I wish of many things in my life. To see my family and friends grow into who they are meant to be. Finding a purpose to my life and figure out who I am. To then become my best self and follow what my eye yearns to see. With desires, I seek for the meaning of love. To understand the different types that one can express. What kind of love a parent gives to a child, a friend gives to another, a partner gives to their significant other? I desire those. In a way, you can say it's possible to say you may be both a wish or desire.
Such thoughts that go through my mind. I think this is the first step, I will be able to stand tall and finally accept not having you here next to me. One day, I will be okay with you holding them instead of me. I will be okay when they become a bigger priority then me. It's time for me to let you go. Time for me to release this invisible line I've had on you since day one. This line full of memories, ups and downs, and the hurt both you and I have felt over the years. I have had you in my grasp without me even needing to touch you for so long. This part I can place the blame on me. All the weight you have felt will finally lift and you will be lighter then air.
I'll dig down and uncover all the pent up sadness and anger I had towards you and let it go. I swear to you that I'll be there for you in the way you need me to be. But I will never let a moment slip and let myself fall into this hole again. Promise me that if you need me, you will ask? Try not to let my past mistakes affect our new future. If you wish for me to leave, I will. When I walk away, don't change your mind. I may not be able to continue walking away. That little sliver will force me to turn around and run into your arms again. If that situation were to ever come about, my wish is to walk away and to not look back.
I refuse to run back.
Neither of us would win in the end?
Out of all the years we have known each other, This would lead to more heartbreak and pain. Do not give into what I either wish or desire. Try to strain from looking into my eyes and see the years of pain and sorrow I have felt. I have no strength left to hide this. It's here and this is reality. I would never want you to see this, knowing you would feel guilty and search for something that doesn't exist. Searching would only cause harm to us both. Once again would fill that delusion. I wish for us to never go through this again.
Promise me this one thing. The only thing I ask of you.
Don't ask me to come back, I don't think my heart can handle this again.
Sincerely,
no one
