𝐭𝐨𝐦 𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬

killing me softly ; tom holland

warnings : smoking, slight mentions of substance abuse

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Narrator's POV

It was an unexpectedly cool evening. One where people would start to bundle up when they leave the house as the leaves on the trees turn from a vibrant green to dark crimson shades. Leaning her elbows on the metal bar under her, Y/N looked out upon London's evening lights.

It was another late and sleepless night for her. Other than being in the arms of her long time boyfriend all snuggled up on the couch watching a movie, she was out here standing on the balcony of their apartment feeling the cool winds hit her skin.

It had been almost 2 months of Y/N repeatedly not getting at least 5 hours of sleep. Her empty thoughts would keep her up all night. Thoughts of why Tom wasn't there with her. Thoughts of why he'd start to distance himself from her.

Their relationship started off beautifully. Meeting him through a mutual friend, he helped her get back onto her feet after leaving her last stressful relationship. It wasn't an ideal one either. She'd have fear linger in her through nights, scared that her ex may have come home drunk and end up beating her half dead.

Looking down at her arms, she could see the faintest hint of purple dance across her skin. The dim lights doing it no justice. Her mind went to a dark place, a place she never wanted to return to. Terrible thoughts and memories remained there, and only made her even more anxious not having Tom by her side at that moment.

He must be tired of me.

He'll probably break up with me soon.

He doesn't want me around anymore.

He doesn't love me anymore.

All of these questions, yet she had no answers.

Walking back into the house, she took out her phone and looked at the time that flashed on the screen. 2:27 am. It was already late yet she couldn't fall asleep. Walking into her and Tom's room, she sat by her night stand and slowly opened it. Her fingers grazed a small box. One she hoped to never see again, but here she was.

Carrying it back outside she opened it up, pulling out the red lighter and a cigarette. In her previous relationship, smoking and drinking her nights and problems away was how she coped with all her problems. Though Tom hated it. He hated how she would risk her health by smoking awaying her troubles.

When they first met, he promised to help her quit. It was a rough start but in the end, she had almost gone 2 full years without it. Up until now.

Letting out a puff of smoke, she opened the last text Tom had sent her.

'Might come home late, no need to wait for me love'

All the texts he would send were similar to the last. Him either showing up late, or not even coming home until the next day. Y/N didn't want to be the selfish girlfriend, never letting him hangout with his friends or brother, but maybe she should've held onto him just a little tighter.

The rest of her time outside was full of her thinking what to do next, what to say if she saw him. Would she question him. Or let it slide, again. In the middle of her thoughts, she didn't hear the front door open or close from inside.

Walking through the front door, Tom came in with most of his energy drained for hanging out with the twins and Haz all night again. Walking farther into the apartment, his eyes gazed towards the kitchen and took note of how the lights were left on. He expected her to have already been asleep but to his surprise she was standing outside the balcony.

Slowly and quietly, he walked outside to greet her. Just as he opens the door, a familiar scent fills his lungs. One he wasn't quite fond of. She hadn't noticed his presence yet, but Tom surely took note of what Y/N was doing.

He wasn't angry at her for doing it, but he was disappointed that all their hard work, all of her hard work, to quit smoking was so easily thrown out the door.

"Y/N?" He softly called out to her. Upon hearing his voice, she could feel her body tense up. She was scared to move, more like she couldn't, but still managed to turn and face him. Every second, the pounding in her chest got louder and louder until the sounds of the city below them were flushed out in her ears.

"Tom? What are you doing here?" She says faintly, the words barely slipping off her tongue. Her arms fell limply to her sides as she turned around to face him. Her palms started to feel sweaty as fear built through her veins.

Was he upset that she was going back to her old habits again?

Y/N was more than nervous, but she wouldn't let him be mad at her when she should be the one upset between them. Weeks of him cancelling plans, not coming home or even just ignoring all her calls and texts yet here he was.

"Thought you weren't coming home tonight?"

"Yeah, but there was a change in plans... what are you doing?" His eyes diverted to her hand, noticing the small white roll in it. He was quick to grab it out of her hand pushing back all her protests against him.

Before heading to the kitchen, he grabs the small cigarette box as well and throws them out in the garbage bin. He was furious, all those months of helping her stay away from those, yet he came home to see this.

"How long have you been doing this?" He seethed, his jaw was clenched and he could feel his palms burn from the pain of his fingers digging into it.

"I-It's been a few days..." She mumbles while looking at the ground, afraid to even look at him. Her eyes started to blur with hot tears building, just waiting for the smallest push to trickle down her face.

"A few days... you started to smoke again after all those months of us, of me, trying to get you to stop!" His voice started to rise, letting all the anger pent inside of him flow out.

Y/N on the other hand had slowly looked up from the ground now staring back at him. She felt a strong urge to yell back. Yell back everything she's been feeling these past few weeks and how he's been treating her was unexceptable.

"You know it hasn't been all that easy for me either... " she starts, barely managing to say. Her voice barely above a whisper. Her eyes stinging, feeling the hot tears trickle down her cheeks.

"If only you were here, y'know. Here to listen. Here to help. But I d-didn't want to stop from going out and having fun, especially because it isn't your shit to deal with." Tom's whole body felt numb after hearing what she needed to say.

How did he not realise she was hurting, sooner?

Why didn't it ever cross his mind to even ask if she was okay?

Was she starting to doubt his love for her? Is that why she never told him anything of how she was feeling?

Was he a bad boyfriend?

"Y/N I didn-"

"Of course you didn't know..." she stared back into his glossy honey eyes. "How would you have known? You're never here. ." That was her breaking point. She couldn't hold it in anymore.

"I know you're always busy, a-and I know you have a family, and friends who want to hang out with you, t-to be around-" Tom took a step forward, wrapping his arms around her small figure. His own tears started to fall.

"You're all I have Tom." She sniffled, her tears staining his shirt.

"But it doesn't even feel like I have you."

Hearing her say that made Tom feel awful. Had it really been that bad, that he'd never notice. He knew about her troubled relationships, and felt so happy to see her happy. Happy with the little things. Happy with his friends and family. Happy with him.

It made Tom happy that he was the cause of her happiness.

But his biggest fear was coming true. Being the cause of her pain.

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This was a long one... thinking of making a part two but lemme know if I should

Happy New Year everyone!  :)