The End of our Beginning

Home sweet home - Part 1

August 21, 2020
-03:43 pm

It feels weird to be back. To be back in this place i once used to know, that i called my home. With him. But now... I'm standing in front of our oak bookshelf which is still filled with the most gorgeous poetry about love i ever got the chance to read, alone. At least they used to be gorgeous. I'm sure I immediately would start to cry if I read one of these poems now. Every damn word would remind me of a time where we were still together. I'd grin for a second, until i'd remember the rest of our story...

"Stay", I begged. ". Don't leave me. Don't you dear to leave me. Stay with me, like u promised the day", i had screamed.
He responded harshly: "You think this will make me stay?", and my heart shattered into millions of pieces.
I wasn't ready to say goodbye. i never were and i'll never be either.

I took a look in the mirror next to me on the beige wall. The wall we painted together at my 17th birthday. We listened to Kiss "I was made for loving you". My father gave me his vinyl on that day and we couldn't get enough of it. He sat on the floor painting the light green into light brown. While the sun light fell onto his brown curls which already had a few freckles of paint on it. During coloring the wall he happily sang to the lyrics of the music, every once in a while smirking at me. Meanwhile I was in our tiny kitchen making his favourite coffee and tea. Cappuccino. And for one second I thought i would have smelled the coffee beans which he had always stolen from starbucks. Where he used to work for a few years before starting to write.
But as i realized i was alone, without sun shining trough the big windows in our living room and without the smell of fresh coffee beans, my grin floated away. A little tear from the corner of my eye dropped down on the cold hard floor. The feeling was almost as horrible as the day he left.

I'm not even less then 10 minutes here and all i can think of is him. Him. The boy I'll never forget. The boy that thought me how to love, how to live, how to fall, how to get up again and how to be the happy proud woman i once was.

Today, I don't see more than a unpleasant piece of shit in the pale eyes i have to look at every morning, shortly after waking up and washing my face off with water. Having another sleepless night full of nightmares and anxiety behind me.

All i want is him. All that's on my mind is the beginning, how it all started, how happy he was, with me. How happy we were together.
Then follow the struggles we got. How we ended up here. Apart. Lonely. And Finally I nearly died from the emotional pain he caused as he escaped. From what, I ask myself everytime. But deep inside I know the answer. He couldn't handle it anymore, he couldn't handle.. us. He rather reached out for another girl.

I didn't notice that it already went dark outside while crawling myself together in the embryo pose on the ground. But i don't mind sleeping on the floor, at all.
I'm sure i wouldn't survive a night sleeping in the bed i used to share with him. So the floor will be my best friend for the next couple of nights until i can't stand to stay here any longer..

Everyone keeps telling me it will get better, it's only a boy. You will get over him. And really. I tried to believe it, with all my heart. But over the last two years, I slowly lost hope. And cut all my social contacts, including my best friend off. They all went on with their lives after a few month of trying to help me. Trying to convince me to go to a psychiatrist. And that's okay, totally understandable if u ask me. But i simply couldn't move on. As he left, he took my heart and with it my soul. All i needed was him. All i ever wanted was to lay next to his warm body on our ikea bed. Reading each other our favorite phrases out of our favorite books. Deeply laughing if one of us accidentally missspoke a sentence. Then kissing, first passionately and in the end roughly and wildly. Hungrily ripping our closes off to feel each other on every single part of our bodies till we fell asleep tight holded in the arms of another.

We used to be like the couples in the books. Deeply in love, brave, powerful, excited about every day that was going to come cause we would get everything done, together. Nothing could tear us apart, ever. We used to tell each other at the end of every phone call many years ago.
We didn't phone for more than half a year. The last call with him ended with the words: "Do me and you a favor and stop coming back, Mad."

And yes, like u see, we also had our ups and downs, like every young couple, like the couples in our books. But there was one thing. One fact that isn't similar to the strories. And that's the ending, obviously. It's not a good one, we didn't get our happy ever after, like we always thought we would...

I forced myself to stand up and clean my with black mascara covered face over the sink in the dark kitchen.

Why did I come back again?

Ah right.. cause my dump useless heart thought he might be back again since he was still included in the rental contact. But i should have trusted my brain. Like always. Every time I let my
heart, or rather what's left of it, control my actions it gets painful. It's not like i'm not already used to this kind of pain, I just realized that i could have known better by now. Which makes me feel angry every single damn time, but when it comes to him.. When it comes to him every glance of hope, how small it might be, is a reason to fight.

I should try to get some sleep now, otherwise I won't appear with any better looks than my dead grandma tomorrow at the funeral. Let's see if i get more than 5 hours done...