The End of our Beginning

It's Her - Part 3

August 22, 2020
-9:11 am

With my poetry book and my wallet in my bag i shut the door, hoping to leave my thoughts abt that one specific person behind... honestly. It won't take much and my thoughts will find their way back to him for hours again...
But i tried to force myself to keep a clear mind. I locked the dark brown door and made my way to the elevator.

As i arrived in the hallway i already felt the fresh air on my pale face. These temperatures were unlike August here in Germany. But we are near the sea, therefore the weather doesn't care shit about science anyway.

I searched for my headphones and tried  troublesome to detangle them. It got so difficult that i had to stop on the pavement.
I'm not even good enough to deal with easy shit like this.. How am i gonna survive a funeral and well.. the rest of live?? I thought while suddenly someone bumped into my shoulder. "Sorry", i mumbled uncertain, with my dead eyes kept focused on the ground.

How did i end up like this? There was a time i used to love people. Where i couldn't live without my friends and social contacts. Now i can't even take the blame of standing in the way of a stranger. What is wrong with me, where did my manners go?? I probably forgot how to interact with people over the past two years. The only humans i spoke to were my brother, the mailman and that one guy at the cafe i used to drink my everyday coffee at.
Usually i read the whole time and watched netflix. I guess.
Wait, what did i even do the last two years? I can't remember any happy moment. Is that what life has left for me for the rest of my days on earth? If yes, okay.
I also don't deserve any better at all.
I have learned several times the same lesson with him and didn't want to believe that he obviously wasn't the boy i expected him to be. In fact i never really knew him at all... But still. Not everything could have been an act, couldn't it?
The passionately kisses.. the warmth with which he surrounded me, every time we hugged... and the engagement ring.
Why do i keep thinking of me that high.. It surely wasn't supposed to be worn by me, but glancing on another woman's finger.

And here we have got another moment, where i often end up questioning my whole existence, life and sanity.
Its just hard to keep on living, if you have to question your happiest time of life, cause it has all been based on a dirty ridiculous lie.

Imagine someone keeps telling you that he wants to spent the rest of his life with you, every damn day. And at one point you even dare to believe them, for a single moment. And from time to time you get used to this thought and don't criticize it anymore. You love and trust him, he loves and trusts you, so there's no reason to not believe his statement right? Wrong.
Boys are mostly cowards who run away when it gets too serious..
Fuck. That's not true. He wasn't a coward. He only closed the chapter of us while i began to write down the best part of it. He rather looked out for another book, which unwritten pages he could fill in with his pen.
In the end, it isn't even his fault. People fall in love, but also out of love again. It was all my fault. No need denying it.
I simply wasn't good enough. I never were. He quite likely got bored of me. I can't be mad at him though. i wouldn't have enjoyed to live with myself together for 4 years either..

Most of the time of the last two years i simply tried to ignore my feels and thoughts. Not thinking anything, which means clear emptiness in my head, is the best choice out of my opportunities.
On the one hand i could waste my time with trying to focus on the positive stuff. Surprise, surprise. It doesn't take long and that method proves itself as bullshit. If you wake up every morning with the knowledge that nothing positive will happen throughout your day, you'll only have to survive another daily routine, trying to keep your shit together, it's pretty hard to focus on the good stuff, which btw also doesn't exist in a life like this.
Awesome. I managed to shower today, after six days.. Should i be proud of myself now bc i did smth usual, that typically every human does? It's like pleasing a 10th grade student for telling you the alphabet correctly.

On the other hand there's this survive strategy called sleep. You might know it. Some people use it to tank energy, others to escape from life.
Worst and best thing at the same time if you ask me. At least you don't have to feel anything at all, but to realize that you have to wake up the next morning makes me hate it almost more than i adore it. However, no thoughts to worry about, nothing to go crazy on or overthink.
But therefore nightmares where i meet him again. Everything seems to be okay. He got back and explained me what happened. I gave him a tight hug, forgave him and kissed him patiently after. He placed his arms more tight around my wrist and slowly carried me to bed, while crying silently. ??!!!
Wait there's smth wrong goin on here.. Why is he crying? He has never been the one crying and certainly not in a maybe virtual but still happy situation like this. Well.. It's just the cold hearted reality whose pictures get blurred with the too good to be true images of my dreams.

Truly i am the one crying. Hoping if i turn my head around now i'd see the man i deeply love since 2 fucking years and 2 and a half months, comforting me and telling me everything is going to be alright. I'm not alone, i'm save in his strong arms.

Big unexpected spoiler. It has never been like this the past years. I AM alone. And if i stay in this condition, and i'm pretty sure it also won't switch into smth good any time soon, maybe also never will, that fact won't change. Even if i were able to love again, who would want someone like me? Depressive, negative, no future version of herself, only being able to see the horizon of the next day, not further, and a lonely outsider. No friends left at all.. cause i keep pushing them away. Probably trust issues are the reason but i'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything at all.. Just me my emptiness, lack of knowledge and I. The truth is, i got used to it. I had enough time by now. And if that's what life has left to offer, i won't try to interrupt fate.

Seems like i zoomed out again. I took a deep breath and tried to get away from my never ending circle of thoughts.
My headphones found each of them in my cold, meanwhile red colored ears. I must have put them there while drifting into the lovely corners of my mind, without noticing it.
I decided to give the rest of my walk a leading music of depeche mode. Enjoy the Silence. If i just had silence in my head.. hah i wish. Next song will be somebody. So i get in funeral sad mood.

A strange feeling overcame my body. I couldn't tell why or how. All i knew is that i didn't like it. Therefore i looked around. Behind me. No one. The man i bumped in was away. The opposite walkway. Nothing.
The discomfort stayed as i walked down the streets in direction to the graveyard but i tried to get rid of it as hard as possible.

Blake
Shit. Fuck fuck fuck.. It was really her. After two fucking dumb ass years. It's her. I should have said something. I should have asked her how life has been. She got even more beautiful then the last time i saw her, obviously. And i thought that would be impossible. Turned out it isn't. You just have to take a look at her beautiful big brown eyes with these golden speckles that always began to shine bright like the sunlight reflecting on the baltic sea, as we sat on the terrace of the beach house of her grandma, laughing together about the most silliest stories.
How much i also missed Rose. Maybe i could go visit her sometime. She was a better granny than mine could have ever been. Instead of drinking and smoking the marital problems with her old shaky husband away, she gave me and most importantly her, a place of safety and gentleness we could always withdrew to together, if necessary.
She was always so caring and understanding.. But as i left her, i also left Rose behind.
Maybe i should throw my plan to get her back away.. It have been two years and two and a half months by now. Why should she keep a failure like me in her memory? Yeah right, no one would. So neither would Maddie. My Mad..
She looked so peaceful with her little headphones in her red ears, slowly moving her head to the beat of the song. She must have listened to kiss or depeche mode, if her music taste didn't change over the years. Probably daydreamed about life like she always did. But one thing caught my attention. And not in a positive way. Don't get me wrong, i literally everything about her. she's the most beautiful version of a human being i have ever seen, but her eyes. Her eyes.. It seemed like they reflected her inner soul. A restless, sorrowful and wounded soul...

Never mind. Im just dumb and reading to much into insignificant things as always. Keep you shit together man and accept that she has moved on with her life.
Not everyone has been stuck in the same circumstances since more than 2 years..