The End of our Beginning

The day after - Part 2

August 22, 2020
-08:46 am

I slowly opened my eyes and took a look around. Oh right.. I fell asleep on the soft comfortable parquet yesterday.
How late is it? I slowly turned my head around to the kitchen, to spot the clock on the red brick wall. Soon it's 9 and i have to be at the funeral at 9:45. Great.
I probably even look more dead than my grandma. I don't want to see myself in this condition now. It's likely that my eyes are red and swollen bc of the crying attacks i get every 3 to 4 hours during the night. Nothing new. I always cover my eyes with a cheap concealer and put on a bit mascara hoping that i'll make at least a superficially awaken impression. Same procedure today.

After i had finished my miserable make up, i made myself a cup of coffee. Cappuccino it is. I carefully took a sip of the hot liquid and tried as hard as i could to fight against the bunch of memories and flash backs that wanted to break their way through to the surface. I started to blink more often and faster as if i was able to magically let the thoughts of him fade away like this.
And surprisingly it worked. I relaxed a bit and focused my thoughts on the tons of unforgettable moments i shared with my grandma. She wasn't like the usual grandmas, more like a best friend that you could talk about everything with. No matter how silly your thoughts might be, she always kept listening. She was that strong kind of person that tried to take the best out of the situation,every damn time seeing the positive in it. Something i lost within the last few years, but she didn't..
A fearless woman that enjoyed every part of her life, never sank into self pity, at all times spreading love, harmony, trust and hope. Damn how much i love this woman... I used to adore her way of dealing with aging. Other people would give up hope, get old and grumpy. But Rose didn't care about her bones getting shaky or her hair slowly turning into grey color, she rather took it as a reason to proof the world that she is still here to conquer it, while wearing a confident smile on her beautiful with scars and wrinkles covered face. Sometimes she reminded me of an aged war woman. Except the fact that she fought against lots of
losses and miseries in life instead of soldiers.

I decided to walk to the graveyard. It's a quite long distance from the apartment but the fresh morning air might help to get my mind a bit cleared. I want to pay my last respects to grandma, without my thoughts getting disturbed by him.

I know that my grandma loved him, not exactly the way i did, but she loved him as a grandson. Blake and i used to visit her every holiday we could. She was a bit lonely cause grandpa died due to cancer, brain tumor, lung tumor and skin cancer a long time ago. Therefore she had lived 7 years alone in
their big house near the baltic sea, before she died last month. She used to love europe, including Germany. I miss her. I really do. And if it wasn't for her i wouldn't have come back to this place again, full of memories id rather
forget and try to avoid my whole lifetime long. But ig i would have been back sooner or later so a single tiny part of me is a bit excited of what will happen. Maybe i'll meet some old friends which i got to know while studying a few years ago. But there's also this fear that they could get the idea to ask if we'd still be a couple like we once were. Then i'd have to put a fake smile on, shortly explain what happened and walk away, trying to hold back my stupid tears.
After we broke up i left Germany and moved back to my hometown in North England, far away from the footsteps of tragedies i left behind in this city.
I have to admin that i never truly felt home anywhere, neither here in Germany or in England.
But that's life right? It takes a lifetime to find a place or even a person you can call your home. The difficulty is not in finding it, often it's the keeping which fails in the end. And it did fail by me. I sometimes get lost in the thought that he was the last opportunity for me to keep my home.. And now i have lost it forever. I know, I know. That sounds way too dramatic but it simply feels like i'm drowning in a sea full of memories and bad habits, i want to let go off, but the ocean current keeps pulling me back to the bottom of the sea, wants to destroy every single part of me that's still able to feel something, until every fiber of my body is filled with numbness, which can only be fought against with his help. with my true home. you could say that i am a homeless woman searching for the right door i can knock on, without having to fear rejection. secretly hoping  that he would be the one opening the door in front of me, hugging me tightly and telling me everything has only been a dark horrible nightmare that found it's ending right now, right here in his warm arms. well, that isn't the case.. Reallife has other plans.

I looked in the meanwhile empty coffee cup and put it into the dishwasher.
And again. My thoughts ended up with him.. how damn shameful.

I walked to the dark wood book shelf full of poetry i used to read back then.
After a short while searching for a specific piece i found what i was looking for and placed it in my black bag. It was a poetry book i always carried around with me while being outside. I had to buy it in England a second time after i had forgotten to take it with me since leaving this country abruptly two years ago.
I stuck trough really rough times
with it. When no one could listen, i read a few lines and felt understood. Understood by the author of the book, knowing i wasn't alone with my mindset and kind of suffering. When i wasn't able to explain myself i looked for the right poem in all of these pages and the people got it. As if a complete stranger was more likely to explain what was going on with me than a close friend.
I felt relieved and slowly caught a glance of hope again. Crazy what a few following words can cause.

Right now it's even harder to move because i know that the rest of the day will be tough. And i dont think i have enough energy left to survive it. I am only doing this for you, granny. I love you. See you for the last time ever, soon.