No One Ever Said It Would Be This Hard

Chapter 18

I never knew love can do this to a person.

It was easier when I didn't believe in it. It was easier when I was struggling with the loss of my parents and with the fact Matt hates me for dumping him. When I had to deal with my best friends being a witch and a vampire, and with my brother flunking math. It was easier when the hardest thing I had to do is to put a stake through vampire's heart.

It was easier when I didn't believe in love. When love was only a word, or a tale from Caroline's stories. It was easier when it represented nothing more than a chemical reaction created by brain. It was better that way.

I never dreamed that love can make you so much more than you are. That it can make you feel so special and so irreplacible. Fearless and independent and sure in yourself.

I never believed Caroline when she said you cling to the person you fall in love with more than you cling to your own mother. And that you need them more than you can ever imagined needing anyone. It sounded silly, coming from her mouth. It made her sound weak, it made her sound like a child. But then I discovered love, and I realized I feel the same way Caroline said I will. But it didn't made me feel weak, it made me feel strong.

And now I realize why. Love is a dangerous game, and you need all the strength in the world to surrender yourself to another person like that.

I never knew love can do this to a person. I also never knew losing that love can do this to a person. Leave them feeling so empty and alone. So vulnerable and naked. So.. ordinary.

I curse the day Stefan Salvatore came into my life. I curse all the happiness he brought into my life, and I curse the love he gave to me. Because he made me feel like I'm on the top of the world.

But the worst thing is, I can't blame him for losing everything. I can't call him a cheater or a pig, I can't eat the whole carton of ice cream or watch a movie that will rip my heart and soul out, because none of this is his fault. It's mine.

It's been a week since I broke up with him. I haven't seen him forever since. First few days he was calling every couple of minutes, but I kept avoiding his calls. Eventually, he gave up. I curse the day when I fell in love with him, because it made me feel like I'm on the top of the world. And now, a week later, I'm not even on the bottom. I'm deep in the hole underground.

I'm not special or irreplaceable. I'm not fearless or independent or sure in myself. Love only made me feel that way.

And now when love is gone, I'm only Elena. Ordinary and replacable. Scared and addicted to others and I'm looking down on myself.

And I miss that love, because it made me feel good about myself. It made me feel like a winner. But now when it's gone, I realize love is merely an illusion.

XXXX

Elena heard a knock on her bedroom door.

"Who is it?" she shouted with a muffled voice, uncovering her head from under the blanket.

Her bedroom door opened a little, and a blonde head appeared.

Elena kindly smiled at Caroline, giving her a sign that she can come in. She wasn't the best person to be around for the past week.

Caroline smiled back and came into the room.

"I come bearing gifts" she announced while lifting a carton of ice cream in the air.

Elena sat up on the bed and a small smile curved on the corner of her lips. She had to smile at Caroline's persistance to cheer her up.

"Thank you, but I don't feel like eating ice cream" she yawned and tapped with her hand on the bed, gesturing Caroline to come and sit next to her.