Sincerely Red │Rose Weasley x Scorpius Malfoy

1. Entries of a Depressed Teen

───── ❝ Entries of a Depressed Teen ❞ ─────

September 1st, 2023

I thought as I got older the first-day jitters would vanish. That my stomach wouldn't knot up in anticipation, wondering what all my classmates accomplished the past summer, and what I did not. I thought that I wouldn't spend hours the night before, staring at my reflection in the mirror. Wondering why those beauty charms never work on me. Wondering why my mum won't let me dye my hair. Wondering why I still haven't lost those last ten pounds even though I followed that rubbish diet form Witch Weekly. 

Wondering, always.

And the jitters are still here. 

Why are they always here? Why can't I get rid of them? Charm them away with a little flick of my wrist, ha! Wouldn't that just be magical? I feel like I should be able to do that. 

Isn't it comical that the only solution I've found to ease my churning thoughts is something as simple as a muggle diary? Mum was right. We don't give enough credit to muggles. Everyone is always so quick to judge - that they're stupid and simple. Even after the war, some people still feel like that. They may not be as vocal about it, but I know they still exist...

Muggles believe in therapy and fixing the mind without spells and curses. They have therapists and coping mechanisms. They talk about their problems and fix them, instead of pushing them away and pretending they don't exist. 

I think I have a problem? I'm not sure. 

Sincerely,

Red

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September 10th, 2023

It's worse this year. It's really bad.  

I'm considering telling someone. An actual person - not just a stack of paper bounded together. 

But I probably won't. 

I don't want to burden them. They have other things to worry about besides me. 

Sincerely, 

Red

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September 12th, 2023

I think my eyes will bleed if I have to look at another Potions scroll. It's an overload of words, and definitions, and names, and ingredients, and charms...And after that, I have Herbology. And after that, I have DaDA. And after that...

Rubbish. Stupid N.E.W.T.S. They should have abolished them after the war. There are other practical ways to test someone's intelligence besides a cumbersome test. 

There are other ways to prove someone's worth. 

But I need them. Sweet Merlin's beard, I need them badly. St. Mungo's only accepts the best, and surely I am the best. I just need to prove it. Shout it from the tower tops and let everyone know. 

Sincerely, 

Red

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September 20th, 2023

I love the way the moon bathes the dormitory, drowning us in her haze. Why do people sleep at night? It's so beautiful and serene. I feel my best at night. Wrapped up in the illusion that only nighttime provides. 

I feel alive. 

I am alive. 

I am alive. I am alive. I am alive. 

And I'm happy. Kind of. 

Sincerely,

Red

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September 21st, 2023 

I lied. I'm sorry, I know I'm not supposed to lie. You're supposed to be the one person - the one thing - that I never lie to. I'm supposed to smother you with my worries, failures, and all of the above. 

But I lied, so I'm sorry. 

I'm not happy. But I think I will be soon.

It's just a phase. It comes in waves, like sea water kissing bare-feet. The sadness just washes over me and I can't shake it. It lulls me into this funk. I know they can see it. They can sense the change. And I know it scares them. I can see it in the way they talk to me. They way they smile just too wide. Like they're forcing a smile, so it melts onto me. 

I'll try to be better for them.

There's a party this weekend. Maybe I'll go? Yeah, I think I will. I think I have to. I don't want people to know I'm not happy. 

Sincerely,

Red