My eyes scanned the page rapidly as I read, my vision slightly blurred by tears. I didn't usually cry so easily, but this; this was different.
Hey there, stranger.
What’s been happening?
Believe it or not, I’ve actually written to you everyday since I’ve been gone. We weren’t allowed to send letters more then once every six months, and whatever I did write just didn’t seem to be enough, if that makes sense… so, sorry about that.
These last two years, I’ve had way too much time to think. Trainings were gruelling, you wouldn’t believe the instructors here; they look like they do sit-ups in their sleep. The amount of pain I’ve been through is just - I had to find something to pull me through.
I tried everything; pretending everyone was in their underwear, counting sheep, imagining the punching bag was someone’s face, closing my eyes – but nothing worked, they were all wrong. Pain isn’t so easily ignored. But then our head-in-command mentioned the future.
My future, Mel. My career, my family, my friends. My soulmate.
How was I supposed to experience any of those things if I didn’t try? There is always the chance of death, especially as a troop. What if I were to die? What if I never got married, never had kids, never got to grow old with the people I love?
I felt so unrespectable, because you know what? The thought of my family barely even crossed my mind.
You. Melissa, you. The way you laugh, the way you cry, the way you jump around and prance with all the joy of someone who owns the world, the way you duck your head and play with your hands as people pass you too closely. The way you touch me so delicately, the way you smile, your voice, your eyes, your hair. Everything about you, you’re what I’d miss the most.
We always promised to be in each other’s futures, but we never spoke about how. All those boys you spend your time with, they don’t look at you like I do. It makes me so jealous, the way they capture your attention so undeservingly. I’d do anything to have you in my life, I will always be here for you.
Just those thoughts alone were enough to push me through. Physical pain didn’t matter anymore, because my heart was aching more. I know it sounds stupid, but you saved my life and my sanity. The more I thought about it, the better I felt. You’ve never noticed the way I look at you before, but I’ve seen the way you look at the boys you spend your time with. You’ve never loved any of them more then a friend, no matter how much you tried to.
But you and I? We have something. You make me feel whole, if that makes sense. Just the thought of you puts a smile on my face, I must look like an idiot grinning as I write this. If any of my team read this they’d never let me live it down, but I honestly don’t care. The way you are around me; honest, open - it’s not the same with anyone else. I’d do anything for you. Just the image of you, so pure and gorgeous, God’s blessing and work of art. You are more then beautiful.
I don’t know if you’ve missed me, or even thought of me. It’d be so easy to forget, with all your other friends around you. I wish I could have never left, but I’m so glad I did, because it made me realised how much I need you. And I know, even if you haven’t realised it, that you need me too.
Love is a word thrown about too much. You say you love me, and I say I love you too. But love has more then one meaning.
Friendship just isn’t good enough for me anymore.
Melissa, I promise I will always be behind you, protecting you.
Turn around.
