Illicit Affairs

Talk, Look, or Think of You Again

They sat across from each other at his kitchen table. She decided she needed to not be in his bed for this conversation. They hadn't slept last night. He just held her in his arms. She cried as they watched half a season of New Girl. The sun wasn't even up yet, but Lara Jean knew they had to get this done.

"So, you need to tell me the truth. If you lie again, I will never talk, look, or think of you again."

"I understand." He shook his head and began. "Before she left, Daisy & I did get in a huge fight. It got really mean. We tend to bring out the worst of each other when we're mad, yelling, name calling, all of it. We both said we were done. I even went and slept at Trevor's for a week. It was that kind of situation. I was convinced we were done. I came back here to get some clothes and she was waiting for me. We talked. We apologized but I didn't see that as us getting back together. We had a long, like many hours long, conversation. She was leaving for Europe the next day. She asked me to drive her. I would feel shitty saying no, so I did. I gave her a big hug at the airport and told her to stay safe. She kissed me and flew away." He took a sip of his water, hoping this was all making sense to LJ. "About 3 weeks into her trip, she started texting. It was really just friendly, saying hi. Hoping things were okay. I guess we had different interpretations of where we left things. It was my first breakup since college. I just let it get away from me, I guess."

Lara Jean shook her head wanting more explanation. He continued, "I think I continued it because I hate being alone because I feel abandoned from all the dad stuff. I think to overcompensate, I get attached and have a hard time letting go completely. I mean remember in high school when we broke up over me trying to still have a relationship with Gen. I should be able to not have this dumb dependency on people, but I have it. My whole life I have used other people to make me feel worthy. I think when I was with you was the closest I got to having self-worth based on me, not someone else. You made me feel confident. I genuinely didn't think anything was going to happen that night at the bar. When you tried to kiss me, I was in shock. I just didn't think it was even a possibility. The next day, I just wanted to hang. I missed my friend Lara Jean and you seemed like you could use someone to talk to. We used to be able to talk about everything so I didn't think of it like that. But then when we got there, I just felt it. I think you did too. Then when we went outside, you did that thing where you smile out the one side of your mouth because you're also biting your lip and I had to kiss you."

"Then why didn't you cut off talking with Daisy at that point?"

"I think because in my dumb brain, I still didn't see us as being in a relationship after the fight and all of that. So, I just felt like I was moving on and trying to start this thing with you. I guess I got wrapped up in this," he motioned between LJ & himself, "and I didn't want to stop anything good that was happening by bringing up all this. But that was me thinking about my feelings, not yours, not Daisy's. I ended up disrespecting both of you by not giving anyone clear answers. I'm a dick."

"You are." She said taking a sip of her drink.

"What do you need me to do to make it okay?"

She thought for a moment. "You have to tell her now. I will stand over your shoulder and watch you do it so I know it's done." She looked up at the clock on the wall. "It's Europe. She'll be up." She crossed her arms across her chest. "That's the first step in me trusting you again."

"I will." He took his phone and tried to call her. "It sounds like it's going to message." He said quietly.

"Then leave a message." She said rolling her eyes.

"Hi Daisy. It's Peter. I'm really sorry, but I think I've been giving you mixed signals with us still talking and being in each other's lives. Our fight before was the breakup to me and I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I've been a dick stringing you along. If you need to yell at me or talk about it, give me a call. If not, I'll have your stuff packed up when you get back. I'm sorry. Bye." He hung up the phone. Peter looked up at her waiting for any sign of life.