Submitting

Pain

The touch of pins and needles against my palm felt good. A sensation of pain as my palms pressed against  the chilled marble counter top, waiting,  as I looked up through the window and up above in the night sky. Wisps of grey clouds hid the stars but not too condensed enough to impede the glow of the moon as it shined like it usually does even if a little dim right now. 

A deliberate noise of a step reverberated behind me. Too close and near than I expected and was prepared for, as my heart lurched a beat, making me close my eyes after to compose myself before I faced the devil whom I summoned. I could feel him waiting and relishing the thick tension in the air as I exhaled loudly and turned around. 

Blinded by the sudden change of light, the shine of the moon to the darkness inside the kitchen, I almost couldn't see anything except for the light brown sweater he was wearing and my dim shadow upon it. I looked up and there it was, pools of green shining like emeralds with a tint of mystic secret hidden behind the sheer wall. His face, as emotionless as ever, yet I could feel a certain kind of glee coming off of him as if he knew that this interaction was going to be nothing but in his favour.

I wish I could say he was wrong.

"You aren't asleep." He folded his hands on his chest and leaned on the corner of the kitchen island closest to me which should've been poking in his leg, but he didn't seem to care as his right foot propped up towards the left, heel lifted with only the toes touching the ground, pushing him further into the edge of the counter. 

I diverted my eyes back to his, held his stare and took a step forward as an act of determination.

"You aren't either." He will smirk at my reply. 

And he did. That clean smirk of his which told me I was moving in the right direction. The expected reaction I was hoping to receive, a sense of him feeling like he is winning, truthfully so, and I was bending while still being my slightly non-submissive-self. I couldn't afford to make it too obvious and playing pretend wouldn't work with him. If I wanted what I did then I had to be honest about it because he always knew and saw past my pretence. But that didn't mean that I could just blurt out whatever I wished for without considering the fact that he needed to be pleased and offered something in return. It is a tough world through and through. You gain something only when you lose something.

"I was thinking about what you said earlier today. Being happy with what we have. What I have been given and provided so far. I won't say that I am lucky, but I do realize how things could be worse." A flashback of Liza tied to the chair in a cold empty room, unconscious and helpless. It was not in the plan when I stopped midway at the vision that clouded my eyes. I simply couldn't help it and surely Dimitri knew now too, I had knowledge about something that I shouldn't have.

The words drawled out slowly even though I must've practised saying them a million times in my head. So many things were going on in my head. Especially the fear of rejection and dismissal of my proposal. Or worse. Punishment.

"I just want one thing. One thing only." A small exhale before I revealed the truth underneath my sleeve. 

"I know Liza is here." I couldn't dare pause and let his quick mind come up with things that didn't happen or things that did. So I kept talking and gave away myself.

He stopped leaning and was more attentive now, standing straight and taller than me. I took a step forward and looked down at his hand as it came to his side. A dilemma of sorts, whether to take his hand in mine. Was that how our relationship was? Was he a lover or was I expected to be?

That's not what I was.

I folded my legs and sat down on them. The wooden floor somewhat warm but still...cold. Palms faced upwards, loose and by my side. Head bowed. This...is what it has come to. Everything he wanted. He won.

"Please let her go. Just give me this one thing and I will do whatever you want. I will never disobey or object. I will consent and be whatever you want me to be. Your wish will be my command. All I am asking for is to let Liza go. She isn't a part of this, she shouldn't be. It's between you and me, and it should become that way. She is the only one I have left." It wasn't much, I didn't come up with a lot. I hoped it was enough to convince him and prayed I didn't say anything that would work against me. 

There was no way I could have predicted how he would have reacted, but silence was not what I had expected. Perhaps I was impatient, or maybe it was just anxiety or curiosity even as I lifted my head up and looked at his face.

Pain.

An emotion so clear and unimpeded. I found myself questioning every reason possibility behind it because wasn't any. It simply didn't make any sense. What else was there that I didn't know? What could possibly behind-

Forgive me. 

You know I love you.

I could almost hear the click of two puzzles locking with each other and in place. 

He didn't say those words to Liza. Those words were meant for me even if I wasn't there. Well not according to his knowledge at least. That still didn't explain and answer the question of why. 

I opened my mouth and so did he but before any of us could say anything he turned around and walked away.