Disavowed: a woman's journey through three religious communities

Chapters 17 - 24

CHAPTER 17: BACK IN FORMATION

I was going back to the formation house to continue my formation, of course.  Others returned to the formation house for more sinister reasons.  I was to learn that when a professed sister moves back to the formation house, it was never a good sign; they were either getting ready to leave the community, or the community was getting ready to have them go.  In fact, when I moved back in, I found a very depressed junior sister there who had moved in for what was known as a “period of discernment”.

Since I had no peers, no fellow postulants, the junior professed - sisters in temporary vows -  took a bit of interest in me.  I was glad to have some of the juniors request my help (and strong back) working on some of their special projects:  spaghetti supper fundraisers, making up booklets, that sort of thing.  Obviously, friendships with the professed sisters weren't encouraged, at least not by Sr. Lynn, Suzie, or Sr. Dym.  I didn't hear anything about it from Sr. Esme, perhaps because my life had been confined fairly closely to the members of the formation community.  I'm surprised that I was allowed to spend so much time with Sr. Therese, the sister who had taken me to get my suit for my postulant entry.  She was attractive, and a talented musician and artist, with an unusual history with the community.  She had entered at the same time as Sr. Dym, made vows, but been asked to leave; later, she re-entered directly into temporary vows.   (By canon law, once you've made a valid novitiate in a particular community, you aren't required to go through another one). She was very frank about the reasons she had left; she was now taking a heavy-duty psychiatric medication.  Maybe she was keeping up an act for my benefit, but to me she seemed like a calm, reasonable, intelligent person.  Quite frequently she seemed to be alone, working on art projects, and I helped her laminate bookmarks and cards to be given out for special occasions at the Motherhouse.  She had quite a bit more knowledge about the community than the other junior sisters, and she could give intuitive little word-portraits of the sisters that were incisive, even witty, but usually kind.  She described one house superior as “The Great White Mother,” because of that sister's habit or pontificating and giving ponderous advice.  Still, I countered, the “Great White Mother” sister had a lot of experience, and the advice she gave was worthy of consideration.  I had liked and appreciated her. I noticed that Therese, like Esme, warned me against the engaging Sr. Brenda.  “Be careful what you say to her.”

Sr. Therese was much less kind toward Suzie and Sr. Dym.  Since I had developed a mild dislike toward Sr. Dym and an uneasy wariness of Suzie, I listened avidly to tales of their past errors (use of Listerine as a recreational beverage, for example).  Therese also told me that when Sr. Pia was in charge of the community, she mentored Dym, and that it was accepted as an inevitability that Sr. Dym would be Provincial some day, because the community had spent a fortune preparing her with higher education; in fact, according to Therese, Sr. Dym had held a “real job” for only a few months.  Nothing Therese said could have done more to prejudice me against Sr. Dym, because I placed such a value on working hard.  Therese also had a firm belief that Sr. Dym would use the assets of the community to create a luxurious lifestyle for herself and Suzie.  I thought Therese was a bit strange for thinking this way.  I might not like Sr. Dym, but she seemed like a sincere and prayerful person to me.

Therese clued me in on the sudden exit of two of the junior sisters (something scandalous, but no one knew exactly what), and the recent exit of one of the youngest perpetually professed sisters, who had made vows with Suzie. Therese told me that the Provincial and others had asked that sister to be absolutely sure before she made vows, that her vocation had been doubtful to them. Soon sister's hair was grown out to her shoulders, and she was gone.  Quite a serious thing, to leave a community after making perpetual vows.  We had enough time to think it over beforehand: postulancy, two years of novitiate, three years of temporary vows followed by a three-year renewal and the opportunity for an extended period of temporary vows even beyond that.  I saw how the community seemed to grieve this defection.  Again I loved the loyalty, the tolerance of the community toward its own.  They let that sister make final vows, even though they had their doubts.  They let Therese and Monica come back to community.  I was a hard worker, followed the rules, loved the community, was growing in grace and wisdom. Surely there was hope for me.