These are all Quotes I love, and I think you will too! :D enjoy, and don't be afraid to laugh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
~To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target - Ashleigh Brilliant
~Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the Internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste.
~A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
~Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. -Winston Churchill
~If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight. -George Globol
~Chaos, Panic, Pandemonium – my work here is done.
~Arguing about whether the glass is half full or half empty misses the point, which is this: the bartender cheated you.
~Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Maybe next time.
~When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through. -Rodney Dangerfield
~I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’ -Bruce Baum
~Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.
~Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
~Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
~Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
~Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
~Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
~The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
~If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
~Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
~I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
~A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.
~The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
~The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
~I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
~You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
~If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
~Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
~The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
~Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
~The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
~Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
~As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.
~Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
~A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
~They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
~Who says nothings impossible? I've been doing nothing for years!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So here's some funny ones, I hope you liked them. I'll probably do some more, maybe on animals or something. Please give me suggestions. Ciao!
