~The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. - Albert Einstein
~Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
~I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.- Mark Twain
~There are men who can think no deeper than a fact. - Voltaire
~The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. - WInston Churchill
~Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. - George Carlin
~The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. - George Carlin
~If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. - George Carlin
~You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies. - Steve Martin
~First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
~I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.- Jon Steward
~We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem – it’s in North Korea. - Joh Steward
~Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. - Jerry Speinfeld
~Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough. - Larry David
~The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. - Dennis Miller
~Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution. - Jay Leno
~The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno
~My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. - Rodney Dangerfield
~I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. - Chris Rock
~ I intend to live forever, so far so good! - Steven Wright
~I remember when the candle shop burnt down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'. - Steven Wright
~I busted a mirror and got seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. - Steven Wright
~There's a fine line between fishing, and just standing on the shore like an idiot! - Steven Wright
~Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. - Steven Wright
~I got this powdered water, and now I don't know what to add... - Steven Wright
~I installed a sky light in my apartment, the people above me are furious! - Steven Wright
~Did Lipton employees take coffee breaks? - Steven Wright
~If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? - Steven Wright
~It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. - Steven Wright
~I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. - Steven Wright
~Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID, that he just whipped out a quarter? - Steven Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey sorry for not updating in like months, but I hope this makes up for it. I especially love all the quotes by Steven Wright, as you can probably tell ;) hope you like this, and I promise to update more regularly! Ciao
