My parents divorced when I was only six. That's one of the worst ages to have your parents divorced because you still remember all the memories made with your parents together. About a year later, my mother found my stepdad, Paul, and they ended up having 3 kids; Julia, Caroline, and Ben.
Peter was two when my parents divorced, so he doesn't miss our father as much. Unlike Peter, my life has been dark every since my father left the house. Paul makes my mom happy in a way I have never seen love before.
Paul can be one of the nicest people you will ever meet, yet he's the reason for my depression. He seems to be bipolar and go from happy to "I'm going to rip your throat out" in a millisecond.
My depression has gotten worse over the years and it has caused me to self harm in addition to drinking. After two years of this, I finally braved up and told my parents I needed help.
We were at the dinner table when I told them. My family seemed happy for once which is why I thought the opportunity was perfect.
"Hey mom?," I started, but I chickened out, "Uh, can you pass me some more mashed potatoes?"
She passed them down and stared back down at her plate. I need to do this for my own sake. I need to be mature and ask for help when I need it. After all, my parents need to love me no matter what, isn't that how it works? I guess not.
I put my fork down, took a sip from my glass of cold water, and sighed. "Um, I think I need help," I regretted speaking as soon as I opened my mouth. Paul looked at me with intense eyes and my mom continued chewing her steak.
"Why the hell would you say that?" Paul asked with food in his mouth.
"I've been, uh, not in the right place lately and I think we need to get me help so I can get better." My face was turning a dark red and my knees began to tremble under the table.
"Molly, don't be stupid, " my mom said as she put her fork down, "You're perfectly fine, now eat your food." She looked at Paul with nervous eyes, seeing that he was still staring at me his teeth pressed together. What is his problem?
"I'm not stupid, stop calling me names," I told her, getting angrier by the minute. Ben was playing with his food, unaware that we were even talking. Peter tried hard to ignore us, but his hands started shaking. I knew he was scared.
"I have been cutting for over two years now and I haven't felt happiness or love since I was six. This is a big step for me right now." My heart was racing so fast I thought they could all see it pounding out of my chest.
Paul threw his fork hard to the floor and stood up, making me jump. Ben got up and went to the restroom, Peter followed his lead. Smart choice.
"Unbelievable! What the fuck?!?! You have what now? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, Molly. You don't need any help, goddamnit. Its just a phase in your life and you will be just fine in a few days. Now shut the hell up and just go to your room. Stupid kid" For a second, I thought he was going to hit me. He sat back down and looked straight at his phone.
"No! You don't understand. This isn't a phase. I've been like this for two years and I'm begging you for help. What kind of parents don't want their child to get all the help she can get?! Gosh I feel like you don't want to get me help because your stupid little followers will think you're an awful man because your child is depressed. Well, guess what? They would be right."
Their business includes a restaurant which became quite famous in our small town. Everyone knew us, so my theory was that he didn't want to ruin business. I ran upstairs and locked the door. I opened my window to let some cool air in. The room was completely dark and I knew it was time.
I grabbed the razor, tears streaming down my face as I thought about what an awful mistake I've made. How did I ever think they would actually get me help? Paul is right, I am a stupid kid. I pressed the razor hard against my skin, but before I could continue, there was a strong knock on the door.
