Without You, There is No Point in Surviving

Chapter 9 Just Let Me Die

Quick note: Warning: chapter involves pain and suffering. And if you can't tell from the morbid title, a slight suicidal thought.
From someone who has had suicidal thoughts before, I want to take the second to address whoever may be suffering and needing to hear: You matter, you're valuable, you are loved by many, please stay strong. You are not alone.

Both the demon barber and baker woke up with a new take on reality. After their night of sharing and drinking, they felt more content, at peace with one another. Having shared their tales brought out a newfound confidence.
They smiled warmly at each other as they munch on fruit for their breakfast. Nellie spread out the map she had scribbled. They peered their heads over it. Their current location was heading towards Derby, that meant they've been heading North. They felt pleased by this, they've made a great long distance from London. The new plan was to take a right and end up in Cheshire and keeping going west till they hit the sea.
***
Traveling became highly difficult for Nellie, her side kept hurting more and more as the days passed. The wound on her arm felt fine, it was only sore when she was careless and rolled over onto her left side when sleeping. But the wound in her side ached painfully off and on constantly. Sometimes it would feel as if it was burning. She would try hard to keep her discomfort to herself, she hated feeling like a burden. They've made it too far to stop now just because of her.
During a hot and sunny, July afternoon, Nellie became incessantly ill. She stopped walking through the field they were in to vomit behind a tree. She wiped her mouth looking at Mr. Todd's worried glance.
"I'm alright, love, no need to fret." She waved him off. "Perhaps it's the heat?"
"Perhaps." He grumbled.
Her side continued to throb, and a shooting cold pain seemed to surge up and down her torso. All of a sudden, breathing became a difficult and painful task for her. To a point where she decided to stop and take her corset off. While doing so she noticed the blood stain on the cloth. She sighed loudly feeling dizzy. She thought of telling Mr. Todd about her bleeding wound but decided it best not to bother him about it. She already felt guilty enough for slowing down their progress. They would've been in a town by now if not for her aliment and affliction.
She barely slept all night due to the pain. Mr. Todd knew something was wrong, every time he'd offer help, she would shoo him off, telling him that everything was fine. He tried not to worry too much, she had a nasty wound and trauma on top of that. She would need time to heal, it had only been four days since the horrors she fell under.
"I need to check your wound in the morning." The sound of his voice made her jump. They were cuddled close under the blanket on top of the grass, crickets chirping noiselessly around them.
"Its alright love, really. I'll be fine."
"I'm checking on it tomorrow" his voice was warning. "I'd do it now but I don't have the light." She was lying on her right side. Not being able to put pressure on her left yet. His arm was carefully wrapped around her. He fell asleep easily, inhaling the scent of her hair. She couldn't imagine it smelled anywhere near as pleasant as he let on. Still, her heart beat like a hammer, matching the rhythm of her throbbing side. She winced. A cool night breeze brushed over them. She could feel Sweeney shivering. Wishing she could switch places with him since she felt as if they were sleeping inside a volcano, she was almost sweating.
When morning came, Mr. Todd changed the dressing on her side, he commented that it looked about the same as it did before. Hopefully that was a good sign and the devil thing would start healing. The scar would be on her body forever as well as the stab on her shoulder. They were reminders of what happened to her.
***
Hope was looking nonexistent as the day went on. Her appetite was gone, she kept stopping on their journey to heave and gag, nothing left in her stomach to come up. On top of the nausea, she stopped to rest almost every thirty minutes. No doubt upsetting Mr. Todd even further.
His concern towards her only increased with every step she took. He was good at hiding his emotions, always has been. To Nellie, it was like he didn't even notice her pain, or that he cared. The truth of it all, he was sick with worry for her. He recognized these symptoms before. Men in the prison would come down with these from fights or lashings.
By nightfall his fears turned out to be true. He knew they should have stopped and rest for the night, Mrs. Lovett was being pushed far too much, but there was a town on the horizon, they could see the lights of lanterns shining in the dark with the moonlight. His attention to the lanterns and excitement over finally finding a town was cut short by Mrs. Lovett collapsing behind him.
He did feel a split annoyance but squashed it down remembering how her injury was just as much his fault than it was hers. He knelt next her, rolling her onto her back. "Mrs. Lovett?" she was unresponsive but alive. She was in a daze, her glance staring at the moon and stars above instead of at his face. He felt her forehead, withdrawing his hand quickly as if he just touched hot iron. "Eleanor?" he shook her a bit, she let out a ragged breath as her reply and blinked slowly. "I need to see the wound." He said as he lifted her dress up to her chest. He inspected the gash above her rib cage. It was hard to see in the dark, but the wound had pus, the coloring odd, red and swollen on the edges... it was infected.
He looked up to the lanterns in the distance contemplating what to do. "Its infected," he told her. He closed his eyes as if he was praying, begging some higher being other than himself for help.
She kept blinking, feeling her vision fading. The pain she felt was strange, as if her side was melting, turning into liquid around her waist. The stars above her were dancing, waltzing with one another. The fever making everything look and sound far away.
"Mrs. Lovett," Mr. Todd was talking to her but she could barely make out a word he was saying. He dragged their bag towards him, digging through it for something. "I need more light... I'll have to clean it..." was all she could make out from him. She felt like she was floating, no, sinking under water, wanting to reach the surface, but tired of fighting. Maybe it'd be best to just let go and sink to the bottom.
"Mr. T," she whispered, he didn't hear her, he was too busy rummaging through their belongings for something.
"Mr. T," she tried again a bit louder. A light and heat appeared next to her, he had lit a fire.
"Mr. T," she kept trying to reach him. He was holding a cloth, pouring their supply of water onto it. "Maybe gin would be better," he was saying. "No, that'd make things worse, I think..."
"Nellie listen to me. I'm going to clean the infection." his voice sounded so far away. "It's the only thing I can think to do."
She mumbled his name again, "We're not close enough to the town yet, I'll do this, then carry you to a..."
"Sweeney," she almost screamed. He stopped and look at her.
She turned her head, looking into his eyes, saying two words he never imagined would ever come out of her mouth. "Kill me."
He froze. Certain that he was hearing her wrong. It was just the fever talking. He went back to examining her wound.
"Sweeney," his eyes flashed to hers again, pleading with her. She started crying, "Please. Just let me die."
He shook his head, "No. I'm going to save you."
"I don't understand."
"I can save you." He continued to his task. Unsure of how and where to begin, if he should even be doing this.
"I killed your Lucy,"
He winced, "Nellie,"
Tears poured from her cheeks, "It hurts so much. I don't want to suffer anymore, please." She cried until darkness incased her vision. She screamed in pain as her sobs jostled her ribs. Her throat closed up, she couldn't utter any more sounds.
His heart felt broken. He thought on her words.
And held the razor to her throat.
A tiny voice inside him, the demon inside him, was screaming at him to do it. She's the reason your wife is dead. She's a vile woman. A liar. End her, do it!
His hand wouldn't budge, tears threatened to spill from his eyes, he had no clue what was over taking him. He thought back to the night on the train, under the tree, the story she told him of her youth. She loves him. She'd confessed multiple times. Johanna's words back on Fleet Street echoed in his mind. He knew... knew that he was not meant to do this. That her time was not now.
He removed the razor from her throat.
That demon spoke inside of him again; she would likely die of the infection anyway, why not make things clean and quick for her? It was what she wanted. What she pleaded. Maybe he was a monster for making her suffer longer. However, if there was the slightest chance that she could be saved...
He made up his mind, "I'm sorry" he said to her. Her breathing was still ragged, her pulse beating strong. She lost the strength the open her eyes, but she was still with him. He leaned down, placing a light kiss to her lips, then dabbed her wound with a cloth covered in water. Her eyes flew open as she screamed in agony. The sound alerting villagers nearby.
"Hello! Anyone there?" a man's voice said from the distance followed by a gallop of horses shoes.
"Here." Sweeney hollers back. He didn't trust a stranger to come near. Especially a man. But what choice did he have?
A man in his twenties with brown wavy shoulder length hair and blue eyes trotted up to the pair on his black horse. "What's the matter?" he asked looking at Nellie concerned. He looked and sounded like Anthony.
"Please, sir." Sweeney stammered. "My..." he thought of the first word that popped into his head, "fiancé is injured. She needs a doctor quickly."
"There's a doctor up ahead." The man said. He reached out his hand, "Give her here." Sweeney hesitated. "It'll be quicker than on foot." The horse neighed looking down at them. What choice did he have? Sweeney lifted Nellie up. She didn't even make a sound, she passed out. The man grabbed Nellie sitting her in front of him. Her hand was still in Sweeney's grasp. "Its up ahead, you'll see my horse out front." He galloped off, Nellie's hand sliding from Sweeney's grasp. He watched them disappear into the darkness.
***
He took no time in catching up with them.
He found and stormed into the doctor's office. The Anthony looking fellow stood in the waiting room. Sweeney saw the doctor and nurses carrying Nellie into the back room. A nurse halted him from following them.
"That's the woman's fiancé." Anthony look-a-like said.
The nurse nodded. "You'll need to wait out here." She ushered for Sweeney to sit down.
"You don't know what's wrong with her." He said.
"She's injured, we know."
"There's an infected gash just above her left rib...." He was out of breath.
"We'll take care of it." the nurse assured him. She closed the door in his face. Sweeney looked through the window in the door and could see them lying Nellie down onto a bed. The doctor and nurses crowding around her.
Sweeney spent the next what felt like hours pacing in the waiting room.
"You must really care for her. Such love warms my heart." The man said.
Sweeney looked at him shocked that he was even still here. Feeling as if he needed to say something, Sweeney held out his hand. "Thank you for your help..."
"Charles." He said shaking Sweeney's hand.
"Benjamin." Sweeney said. Then cursing himself for not thinking of anything better. Nellie and him haven't discussed aliases yet.
"Pleasure meeting you, Benjamin, and happy to help." Charles said smiling.
The door opened and the doctor came out. "You may see her." he said to Sweeney.
He practically ran into the room. Nellie was still asleep, they had cut off her green striped dress and placed her in a loose fitted brown one, no corset, even her shoes, socks and bloomers were all removed. No doubt they had a fresh bandage on her side and arm.
"Will she...?"
The doctor looked grim and closed the door. Sweeney took a deep breath. We walked to the bed and held Nellie's hand.
"I cleaned the infection." The doctor said. "Bacteria from the infection has infested her body. The sickness will remain for a couple days maybe weeks. Her body will have to take care of that on its own, there's no cure." Sweeney squeezed her hand which felt as if it was on fire. Her face was red with fever, but her breathing was peaceful. Sweeney sniffed. "I cleaned the wound out as best I could. I'm afraid all we can do now is wait." Sweeney stroked her knuckles. "I shall warn you, most don't survive an infection like this."
"She will." Sweeney said. "She's cheated death before."