Personal Literature

Cold Bones

Visions. These nights pass by so quickly but seem slow in my mind. The horrors of the night have come to haunt me again, only this time it seems to have lost its charm on me. My brain seeks a way to end this endless loop of fear. Yet, they still come while I sleep. As the stars and the moon crawl slowly across the sky I lay there, holding myself as flashes of blood and terror loom over me. It's been years and yet here I am, trapped, standing still in this ashy landscape of my mind. The ambitions and hopes of the future lay forgotten on the ground, dust obscuring them. I've tried dusting them off, giving them a new light, but soon my heart breaks and I lose interest in the past.

They tell you at a young age, "Life is unfair." But I've learned not only is it unfair but cruel. This world has left my mind empty and my heart damaged beyond repair. They never told me that falling in love too fast would be fatal. They never mentioned that leaving yourself behind would wreck your soul. My mind wonders too much on the "what if" of life. What if I had finished my college course? What if I stayed with him? What if I told my mother that I love her and appreciate her more? I reach out hoping to feel warmth but all I've come to feel is the coldness in my home. The glass acts as a mirror and I see the reflection of myself. What if I changed and didn't know it? What happened to me? To us?

I remember those gentle summer nights as you held me in your arms. The laughter that fell from your lips makes my room feel so much colder now. The words you whispered in my ear on those days where I felt like I can't move now paralyzes me. The soft touch of your fingertips sliding down my shoulders still lingers. So, I sit here and ponder, do you feel the same way? Do you hear my laughter on these chilly, rainy nights? Do you feel my hand in yours as you walk down those lonely streets? Can you hear my words of love echo in your ears as you lay in your bed? But I try not to linger on those questions. The questions hurt more than the coldness I feel in my bones. The aching and pulling of my joints beg me to stay in my bed, to hide away from it all. Perhaps, it's foolish to feel this way. To let my love for you affect my whole perspective of the world but then I realize you were my world.

The days seem to grow duller, the rain pours, and I watch as everything I once knew slip away. I sit myself down by the window seal and follow the rain drops as they drip down the glass. I would cry, it's the perfect time to do so, but one can only cry so much over one person. I learned that this newfound coldness is now my home. I have felt no warmth, only the aching of my own heart. I lean my head against the window and let out a sigh. Again, the visions of blood and fear come into mind. I watch as they slash at her then realize, she deserved it for the hurt and pain she caused. I close my eyes tightly, this wasn't the first time I've seen this nightmare, but recently it has been repeating in my head. I watch the girl hurt the people that loved and cared for her again, and again, then beg for forgiveness. In the end the girl transforms into a snake and the people she betrayed, kills her. Perhaps she didn't need to die, maybe she could change? But seeing the pain and distrust she had created maybe it was better for those people to have rid her from their life.

I wonder if that's how you feel about us? Was it better to get rid of me? I sigh again, I wish I could stop my mind from racing. I wish I had control but here I sit still thinking about you after all these years. Why does it feel the way it does? No, why does my heart still hurt? Did you know I went to the bar last week and my friends told me you're married? You're with some girl from Michigan and she's the "girl you always dream of". Stinging, my heart was straining, why does it hurt? I shake my head. No. No more thoughts about you. No more thoughts about us. No more.

Changing, I could feel it in my bones. The home I come to grow a custom to now feels on fire. This isn't the warmth I wanted. This was a burning sensation of rage. WHY?! I pick up my phone and throw it across the room. WHY?! I rip the pictures of you off my wall and crush them in my hands. Why? Then the burning stopped, it wasn't cold nor warm. It was nothing. You left me with nothing, I gave you all I had, and you took it with you the night you told me you never felt the same. The night you told me I was "toxic" for you because I was holding on so tightly. I loved you! Was my heart not good enough so now you must invade my mind?! Does it give you satisfaction that the tears that leave my eyes are caused by you? So why? What is the point to haunt me with these nightmares and dreams that I hoped to be our future? Are you taunting me with more of your lies? To give me false hope.

I feel my body grow weak and I lay on the bed, tears trickling down my face. "Maybe one more time I'll cry for you but these tears I shed are a realization that you never once did." I whisper softly, I know you could hear me. In the back of my mind. "Mind, body, and soul" I muttered. "I gave it to you all and you destroyed it." I rolled over and placed my head on the pillow, remembering the words you once told me. "Crying is pointless when it's over something so small." I smiled softly and decided to apply it. "Goodnight, my love." I uttered and slip into sleep, my conscious finally rid of you.

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