Dear Diary

November 15th, 2020

It's currently almost 4 am. Woke up from a nightmare. It's what I deserve.
Have you ever fucked up so bad and feel so guilty that you've become depressed? That's about where I am right now.
As you've read earlier on, I was all about Don, but then something happened. I started liking his friend Seth. Seth was my best friend, but then feelings grew. I knew I had to make a decision and soon, and I did. I chose Seth. Oh how fucking naive I was and stupid for not seeing what was in front of me. I also chose Seth cause mum didn't seem to like Don. But how could she not. He was amazing. I got butterflies every time I got a message from him. That wasn't the case for Seth, but for some reason, I chose him. I then told Don a while ago that I wanted to step back and stay friends. He asked if there was someone else. I thought I would hurt him by saying yes. He's fucking understanding Kirsten. What was going through your fucking head.
I told him no. See karma came and bit me hard in the ass. Seth and I talked for like a month, hence this not being updated. We called every single day for like 7 hours. He made so much time for me. He cared..well I thought he cared. Last night I asked when he was going to make it official. He said he wasn't ready to. Main reason being "what if I cheated cause I wanted to get my dick wet". He's from California. It would have been a long distance.
He told me he cared and liked me. But if he liked me as much as he proved to, then that wouldn't have been an issue. I basically gave him a kind fuck you. I told my friend Jasmine and she told me to talk to Don and apologise. I did. He's so mad at me and I feel so much guilt I can barely think. There's probably going to be so many typos in this, so sorry.
As of now, I just feel so bad for Don. Why wasn't I honest? A better question is, why was I naive. Why didn't I see what was in front of me and ended up going for the wrong person. Don fucking cared about me. He made time and called me even after working from 8 am to 8 pm. Might not have been long, but he made time. He made time to text me before, during, and after work. I broke his trust because I thought I would hurt him and lied. Yeah, but now we are both hurting.
I'm a fuck up. Can't change my mind either. I fucking ruin everything great in my life.
I guess that's all for today. I'll try to wrote again soon...