ECHOES OF THE WIND : Jacob & Renesmee

29.OUT OF THE BLUE

RENESMEE

..I had promised myself to behave as the best self of me.

I sat on the bed, both my hands clutched my head while I tried to reason myself with what's next?

The Christmas day, should be about enjoying your day and create decorations, attend the tree lighting ceremony, bake cookies, fighting for candy canes and make wishes for one's self. But it does seems really uneventful without the return of your lost one--

--and a sudden broken out fight between him and your another comfort zone, a person who was a stranger months ago and all of the sudden, it seems like I have known him my entire life. I think, I could not have asked for a better person to walk into my existence.

I sighed.

Okay! Getting to the centre,

Yes! I care too much, about things I should not. We really like to complicate things when it is really quite amazing. There's a particular kind of suffering to experience when you love something greater than yourself; just like a tender sacrifice, like the pained silence felt in the songs of mermaid or in bent and broken feet of a ballerina.

I am trying to walk away and hold on, at the same time and now there is an outbreak of never ending war between my heart and my mind.

And I know, that at some point I will have to end this. I will have to take a chance -leaving behind logic, draining the waiting and just go for it, being open to possibilities ~on what it could actually be? At some point, I will have to say yes to what lights me up even if it will seem crazy to others. Take the chance, even if I don't know what it would lead me to. Take the chance, even if it's terrifying.

It may be difficult...but it's only hard, because I am no longer settling for what's easy and rather going after what I want.

But what if I don't know what I want?

Things never work in ways I want them to and I'm afraid, that what if when I make a choice...my heart makes another room? What if I do something that is expected rather than what feels right? That I stop thinking and get lost in my mind so much, that I forget to listen to my heart, that it only complicate things? What if I made the wrong choice?

~Renesmee

I dropped the pen and shut my eyes as my hand grabbed my head thinking of everything that's wrong with me. 

My stomach twisted by deluge of all the thoughts_that I wanted to force behind the floodgates. I've become a prisoner of a quiet-helpless cage of my own pain. My head throbbed slightly. I took a deep breath while eyes were still forced to shut.

He should be well aware of what you feel?! Chris words struck my mind again.

"Hey?" The sweet reassuring voice breathed and I was pulled back to reality, as my eyes flipped open.

I realised the sudden sense of his presence around me. I shuddered a bit. What is he doing here almost at 5 minutes to midnight? My feet gently tapped the upper crust of the melanin floor.

"Still holding up just fine?" I heard the soft melodic voice once again.

I turned to look at 'him'.

True. Those blue eyes stood there, smiling at me. A sudden flush of adrenaline rushed through me. "Chris?!"

He nodded, pressing his lips into a hard line.

I slid the chair past me as I stood. I felt a soft tingle in my stomach. Nervousness?........Excitement?.......Surprise? My heart fluttered ahead of its usual pace. I looked at him; that seemed pretty obvious to me.....coz who would try to miss those gorgeous-deep-ocean-blue eyes, that could never be duplicated.