Chosen

~8~

Marie is just two seats from me so I can clearly spot the mark. I'm so shocked I don't realize I've been staring for 10 minutes. Marie turns and catches my eyeballs buried at the back of her head.

" Hey weirdo! Take your ugly eyeballs somewhere else. " she says with grave annoyance.

"Um..I'm sorry" awkwardly, i turn my attention to the preacher who's about to take the stage.

"This is our assembly pastor, Nathan, he's a very profound preacher" Jules says softly.

" Yeah, you should pay rapt attention" Daniel agrees.

"It's always a wonderful time in the presence of God! Amen?" A sharp looking young man dressed in a blue fitted tux shouts with excitement. The congregation erupts in applause and a few people echo the words: 'amen' and 'hallelujah'.

"One day, I was working on my laptop for so long, I lost track of time so I tried checking my wristwatch but it's the kind that doesn't have figures on them just the lines, I tried reading it but it was just a waste of time"

some part of the congregation laugh.

" no pun intended" the preacher chuckles before proceeding.

" It was past six in the evening and something kept bugging me to look outside."

"I stepped out of the house and immediately my neighbour's son rushed up to me in tears, he looked like he'd been crying all day. I was quite shocked because you hardly see teenage boys cry. I wasn't so close to his parents but I was keen on finding out what had happened.

After a moment of silence, He said to me: my mum died in an airplane crash. I felt bad for him but as he continued speaking, one of his sentences struk me; " It was always me and her..without her..I'm nothing, absolutely nothing, Nathan, who am i?"

Right there, I was speechless, I knew what to say but I wasn't sure it was going to soothe his pain. I know y'all are thinking...come on pastor we haven't got all day...what does this have to do with us.. " Nathan chuckles.

" who am I?" He says stressing each word. " at a point in our lives we're all looking for clarity. Sometimes we just have a glimpse of who we know we ought to be but deep down we're looking for some kind of confirmation.

Other times we don't know and we are completely clueless." " how many of us has ever been in that position?" Nathan continues.

Almost the entire congregation raises their hands including me.

" it's perfectly normal to question your true purpose. It's part of the human nature to be annoyingly inquisitive..am I right?" He says. Light chuckles erupt in the background.

The sermon goes on and I'm slowly dragged into a flood of my thoughts..I try to fight them but at each attempt the Images becomes more vivid and those words are still crystal clear...

"Diane, are you okay.." Jules studies Diane's face.

"Yeah...just a random thought" I respond sharply.

"...lastly, I want you all to know that your purpose most times, isn't a function of your past, present circumstances or background. Your purpose, my purpose lies in the one who gave His life for all. The one who decided to carry the weight of the sins He didn't commit. Our purpose is in Christ Jesus. That young boy looked at me with worry, pain and fear. I had one answer: Jesus.

I feel there's someone here today, you're worried and afraid, you've been searching..and it feels like you're alone. Guess what? There's someone who knows you by name, His love is unconditional and inexpressible. He says you should come to Him and He would give you peace.

Comfortable silence fills the air as everyone is engrossed...especially me. To be honest, I wasn't listening..I tried to but the thoughts in my head blocked my ears and I felt I might explode until I felt this Inner peace..something I've never experienced before. I don't know where it came from but I'm lost in it, I don't want it to stop..

" if you're led to surrender your life to Jesus please stand up " Nathan continues.

After about 5 minutes, a couple of people stand and I feel a great urge too but I don't. I look around, surprised at their courage. A feeling inside strongly urges me to stand but I'm ashamed..ashamed that Jesus wouldn't want me. I'm just not good enough for someone like Him..I don't deserve to.. with all those thoughts in my head, I come to a painful conclusion, I'm not going to surrender to Jesus...not yet..maybe when I'm more self confident.

" please step forward, let's pray.. Heavenly father, I'm grateful for the opportunity you've given me to speak to your people, especially the ones who have decided to come to you today. Dear Lord, please touch their hearts and change their lives forever. Amen" Nathan says.

The congregation applauds and the service comes to a close.

We all head to the car for a drive home. Daniel turns on the radio and we all listen to, call me maybe..Daniel and Jules sing along heartily while the kids just dance to the beat. I try to sing along but my mind's not just up for it. I'm too busy thinking of what happened at the church.

At a point, I felt free, I had peace within..I can't explain how or why but the feeling ceased when I remained glued to my chair while the altar call was made. I feel guilty..disappointed..I felt i should've...ughhhh..

"I hate my thoughts!"

Unknowingly, I blurt out the words.

Everyone stops and looks at me. "Diane..is anything the problem" Daniel asks with much concern.

"Nope..I'm fine" I reply. "Ok..we want to stop at the ice cream shop, what would you have"

" umm..choc-naa I'm not hungry for ice cream..thanks" I reply.

Jules observes Diane's face so intently she could easily tell she's troubled.

In no time, everyone's done with their ice cream. The kids are dozing, Daniel's got his eyes on the wheel and Jules stares at Diane using the passenger's mirror. She catches her gaze then looks away.
***************************************
Immediately we're home, I rush to my room and fall flat on the bed. Immediately a wave of tears come pouring down my face. I try to stop it but it feels like I'm no more in control.

"Diane, we need to talk" Jules walks in wearing a stern look. "Why" I whine, hesitant to speak.

"Diane " She says in her most serious tone.

Reluctantly, I sit up and face her. "You've been crying? What's going on..I feel like there's something you're not telling me"

" I.. don't know how to explain.." I say sniffling.

" you know, there are other ways of expressing yourself than crying" Jules says slightly irritated.

"What? Why would you say something like that..I'm hurting and that's your perspective?" I reply.

"Diane..you have to learn that crying doesn't solve anything.. it's just a waste of time " Jules says.

" waste of time..have you ever felt to so much that words can't relay the message you're trying to convey? Have you ever felt so lost that nothing makes sense..have you ever felt that you're just breathing not living.. i didn't think so. I'm here trying to pour my heart out and that's all you can say to me.." I reply angrily.

"Diane...I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong but I can assure you that it's all gonna be okay. You have a family here and we'll always be there for you" Jules replies softly.

" I've heard that before. Granny assured me that she'll be there for me, always. But she isn't, she's in the hospital...I've never had a real family, I don't think I'll ever do. What does family even mean?My parents are dead, grandma's in the hospital..Who am I, Jules? Who am I?" I say with streaks of tears travelling down my cheeks.

Jules speechless the entire time, now moved to tears hugs Diane affectionately.