One Direction and 5SOS Imagines

Suicidal- Liam

*Warning: Drug Use, and Self Harm*

  I heard that they couldnt stop the bleeding from a horizontal cut. They can't stitch it up. I wonder if that's true. One day. Maybe today maybe tomorrow. Who knows? I do.

Liam's good to me. He was my dream boy. He took me out, sang to me, touched me in ways that were unimaginable and it felt good. Really good. Now I don't let him touch me. Every once and a while I do, when I'm desperate. Usually I just push him away and tell him "Not now" or "They're fresh and they hurt".

Today's the day. There's no point anymore. Liam goes out like every night leaving me home. I mean I tell him I don't want to go out when he offers, but that's only because I cant/ don't want to dress up usually or im in to much pain mentally, emotionally, physically...  I don't want anyone to see the deep scars on my arms and they go so far down my legs I can't wear anything shorter than knee high shorts. And when they heal it's usually when I start thinking if depressing things or when it starts talking to me.

  The little, well loud voice in my head telling me to leave. That I don't belong here... Sometimes I think that I should just listen to it. But I decide not to. But I've just put a lot if thought into it and well I think I've had enough of this bullshit called life.

  It's not even living anymore honestly. All I do is sleep til 9am, make Liam breakfast,  watch some TV usually I take a little nap, then Liam wakes me up after he gets home from work, I cook, he asks if I would like to go out with him, and I say no along with some stupid excuse. He knows I lie when I excuse myself from going. Sometimes he brings the boys ,his friends, home with him. Harry, Zayn, Louis, and Niall.

  I pull out my bong and stuff some of my dearest friend ,Mary Jane, in it. Putting my lips in the circular opening and lighting it up. It bubbles and  fills with smoke. It smells so good. I wait for a cloud to form inside then remove the small bowl and inhale as hard as I can. My eyes water and my throat burns from the intoxicating chemicals that are being forces into my lungs. I wait a minute before I exhale. I cough out the remaining cloud, gasping for oxygen. I repeat this process about eight to ten more times before I get my lazy ass up and search for food.

  I almost trip down the stairs because my vision is so lagged. I should really keep food up in our room. I've fell down the stairs before actually. I just laughed it off because I was stoned as fuck and I thought how stupid I was because I didn't watch where I was stepping. Haha that was funny.

  If I could I'd wake and bake every day. It's to bad I won't be here anymore. It would've been fun getting stoned with Zayn and Louis.

  I get a pack of crackers out of the cabinet and some graded cheese from the fridge. After placing the crackers on the plate and spreading the cheese over top, I pop it in the microwave for 30 seconds. Maybe I should get my supplies now, you know since I'm already down here.

  Liam hid the painkillers because I've already attempted suicide once before. But I found them on top of the fridge a few months ago. I get a chair and stand on it to search for then, since in too short.

  Oooo! Lisa! Lisa is my bowl, you know for weed. Liam must have found it and put it up here. I pack the bowl with a nugget from the baggie in my pocket and light it up. It burns soooo good. I make my way to the toilet with the pain killers in my pocket and the plate in my hands.

  Before I start this I Bluetooth my new iPhone 6+ to my two huge speakers and blast some Crown The Empire. Bloodline fills my ears as I get my bong from out room. The floor is so cold in the bathroom.

These drugs man... they're some good shit. My weed man hooked me up with a dime laced with coke and it's bubble gum flavored. I heard mixing drugs is bad and that I shouldn't do it but what the hell I'm going to die anyways. I always knew this day would come and I've been longing for it. Finally I can "live" in peace with myself and not be in unnecessary pain.

  I dump the pills on the floor and pile them. I hid acid rapped in plastic ,which is another drug, in the cabinet, in the bathroom. I've been wanting to try it but I was scared to. I fill up my bong and bowl one more time. After ripping a little square from the image and placing it on my tongue, I take a hit from the bong. Then another, another, and another. It's been 15 minutes so I swallow the soggy paper. These cheesy crackers are really good. The flavor just explodes in my mouth. Soon I see the wall melt and spongebob appear next to me. I offer him my bowl and he takes it willingly. His clouds are sick! He high fives me and hands it over.

  We take a few more before I say good bye to him. It's time. Honestly I don't know what to expect. What's on the other side? Heaven? Black everlasting space? Will I be lonely or will I meet God? The Devil even? The handful slips down my throat with the vodka that was behind the toilet. I guess Liam couldn't stop drinking. Haha I found his hiding spot.

I crawl to the tub with my bowl, lighter and box cutter I grabbed from the drawer and get in. It's more comfortable then the floor. I cut my arm horizontally. Really deep. My blood makes it's way to my leg then down to the tub bottom. It looks beautiful actually, the way it flows. It's like a river in the forest at my old house. When I was a kid I jumped in and something sharp cut my foot. It didn't hurt thought.

I lay my head on the opposite arm. My vision gets blurry. And then my music shuts off. Ha..... It's too late. I've already slipped.

                   I'm sorry.
___________________________This has been in my notes only a quarter completed for like 4 months. I finally decided to finish it! Well I hope u didn't cry too hard. 😭😭 Not all endings are happy endings.💔