Starborne

Chapter 16

Distance helped with the physicality of it. Not the ache, or the memory, but the all-encompassing yearning that bubbled up whenever he was near me. 

That night, I didn't sleep. It felt awful, like my body was betraying itself. My heart was hurt and my head was enraged; Stefin was a selfish jerk who didn't even make an effort to soften the blows he dealt. An unfeeling and withholding man, and yet every part of me called out for his touch. 

Some time in the early morning, I accepted the reality that sleep would not find me, and went for a walk to clear my head. I hurried out of my room, down the hallway and a set of marble steps, until I slipped out a side door of the palace behind some workers leaving the kitchens. I cut across a cobblestone path towards an unfamiliar winding dirt road that traversed back away from the city, deeper into the palace grounds.

I walked for what felt like an hour, jogging intermittently to force my brain to focus on the external burn. Eventually any view of the city disappeared, and signs of life began to grow smaller and less frequent. I kept running, pushing my legs to the limit, until I reached the end of the trail.

The path cut off near the edge of a cliff, fading into a patch of grass that became pebbles before falling away into the air. I walked close to the crevasse, testing the integrity of the ground, before sitting down with my feet dangling out above a valley of trees and lakes. 

Everything felt clearer, sharpened, now that I was out of the palace. I'd been lost in a cloud, not feeling like myself, but the cold morning air functioned like a shock to my system. The whole situation - from the mercenary attack, to the crash and the mess that ensued, was all conspiring to drive me insane. 

Unfortunately, dwelling on anything concrete seemed impossible, so I finally let my mind wander to the object of its obsession. The first point I needed to confirm: I was not in love with Stefin. I didn't know him well enough for that; anything favorable I'd seen about his character was balanced out with equally negative interactions.  He could be playful, intelligent, and capable of immense care. However, this was almost always followed by iciness, arrogance, and sometimes outright antagonism.

It was clear that this connection I felt to him was purely physical. He was able to fight it, so I should be able to, as well. I was strong, I was capable, and it wasn't like I was a stranger to rejection or heartache.

Alone in the burgeoning dawn, I allowed my mind to wander. Off of Cynabar, out of this system, to a colony planet packed with humans and stripped of its natural resources. My family was a huge question mark - in my past and my future. I didn't know where they were or if they were even alive. 

I had left them for the Terran forces, yes, but they removed themselves much more permanently. Their disappearance and by extension rejection hurt more than any other, and with time I had learned to numb that pain. I would do it again, and pray that this "bond" would wear off at the end of the ritual sequence.

My brain flashed to an even more painful betrayal, one that only emerged in my subconscious mind, or the moments where I was the weakest. 

Jack. 

Just his name reminded me of old wounds, of cold bitter wind, and of the hardest thing I ever had to do. Craving the touch of an alien Prince was nothing compared to what I did to my first love. My best friend. 

I was commended for handling Jack. Thanked. It was an instant promotion to Pilot, earning my wings and gaining a ship. I was given ALYX as a companion to test my mental stability. They watched me for years, to make sure I wouldn't follow in his footsteps. 

Something about this dawn, taking stock of my trials and crucibles, felt right. I saw the ways that I lost myself on Cynabar the past few weeks, caught up in glitz and drama. Running away was my life, but this suddenly felt final, like I could find closure. Instead of fighting, instead of numbing the pain, I closed my eyes and allowed the memories to play across my eyelids. 

Jack and I together, enlisting. His family was hungry, mine were too. Both so young, malnourished, dirty in line at the conscription board.

Years later, joking around in the cafeteria after a ground school lesson. He was hazing the newbies, giving them wrong directions around the compound. I was hiding my giggles, poorly, with the back of my hand.

Sneaking out of the barracks to catch a meteor shower, the first of its kind in a century. He held my hand as we watched the lights fizzle out in the atmosphere. I was brave, kissed him, and he laughed against my mouth, "fucking finally, Reed."

First love, first kiss, first everything. Jack was comfort, Jack was all things good. Until he wasn't. 

I still don't know how the bounty hunters found him, why they reached out, or why he answered back. Things were more disorganized back then, and mercenaries weren't the large threat they had become. At the time, I didn't know enough to save him.

I'm always going to remember the night Jack left. He snuck out in the inky black darkness of midnight, leaving behind everything but the clothes on his back. It could have killed him if he was caught, but he took the chance anyway, sneaking into my room to say goodbye. 

He begged me to come with him. To join them. The mercenaries were doubling down, politicizing, growing their ranks. Promises of riches and adventure, freedom from the rigid confines of the Forces. 

I cried, I begged, I told him I loved him. He left anyway, and it was years before I saw Jack again. 

The memory of our tragic reunion hurt more than the others. Guilt, such oppressive guilt, weighed me down until I couldn't breathe. 

The paralyzing cold of the planet Arithsmus. My first training mission, passing a missive to a new terraforming colony on the icy wasteland. We knew there was mercenary activity nearby, but not that they were already waiting for us. 

Jack had a burn notice on him by the Terrans. Kill him at first sight, or be tried for treason. He made a name for himself quickly, organizing eclectic forces into a deadly army of mercenaries. They were there to destroy the colony, burn it to the ground with the colonists, families, inside. 

I will always consider Jack my weakness. Turns out, I was his too. 

Jack stalling when he sees me, his face turning from murderous to angelic in a second. Smile bright as the sun, as it always was for me. Holding the fire, begging me to come with him, just like before. 

It cost him, waiting. Our small group of Terrans rallied. Fought back the troops, saved the colony. I followed his retreat out into the snow, wanting one last look, one last glimpse of the boy I loved. 

Jack is already on the ship. He could have left, should have left, but he saw me. Waved to me, called out.

I shot him.

Watching him fall, the blood spray, his men dragging his limp form back onto the ship. With the last moment, with my last goodbye, I killed my best friend.

The Terrans were delighted, and I was heralded as a hero. The loss didn't stop the mercenaries for long, though, but was still considered a major victory. Jack died, but his vision lived on, and I committed myself to destroying even that.

I came back to myself, at the edge of the cliff, scrutinizing the points in my life that I would give anything to forget. I tried so hard these past years to numb everything, threw myself into work and booze and temporary companionship, so this was an ironic turn of events. Those memories, the pain of them, made me feel stronger. 

I stood up from the edge of the cliff, feeling the whipping breeze clutching at my clothes, trying to throw me into an abyss. I stepped back, first one, then two, setting off at an even pace back to the city. 

The sun breached the horizon just as crystal buildings came into view, setting the whole city on fire. I walked back to the palace, calm and centered, with my spine straight and my priorities decided once and for all. 

I gave up my family, sacrificed my best friend, killed my true love, all to dedicate my life to the protection of my people. I had five weeks until I could continue doing just that. I intended to let nothing, and nobody, stand in my way.