Irresistible ✓

10: Mind Is A Prison

❝ And they put me back in my cell, all by myself, alone with my thoughts again, guess my mind is a prison and I'm never gonna get out ❞

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For the next one week, all I felt was numb. I avoided everyone I could, even Katie, dismissing her worries by telling her I was just not feeling myself after the rash intake of alcohol at the party.

I assumed everyone in our friend circle knew what had happened but had decided to keep mum about it for which I was grateful. I didn't need people to fuss over me and worry about me.

I skipped school for three days and not only because I wasn't ready to face anyone, or Ray in particular, but also because I was burning with 102°F fever. Mom thought it would be better if I called in sick.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday was skipped and Saturday, Sunday was spent in my room amongst all the circling thoughts and a heavy baggage which had settled on my chest and wasn't in the mood to leave anytime soon.

I always had the fear of abandonment. My dad left for places we weren't even aware of and allowed to know due to high levels of secrecy involved at the military level. He sometimes was away for a month or even for a whole year. My mom and I were always on the edge for the very rare text messages or phone calls from him to know that he was safe.

He loved his job and so we supported him with all we could. We respected his choices and tried to enjoy every little moment we got to spend with him. But that evoked in me something which confused and scared me. I gradually started to become very afraid of people close to me leaving me and never coming back. Though my dad always came back, we were never sure of what tomorrow held for us.

When Ray left me at the party, I felt that familiar pain in my chest which appeared whenever my dad left for his job. I didn't know why, but I was shit scared about him leaving me alone.

Moreover, these feelings that had started slowly covering and building in my heart confused me more than ever. Why would I want to do anything with him? Why would I want to help him? Why would I want to try and get to know him?

For any other person, Ray was just another stuck-up kid who had anger issues. He was just another delinquent who was heartless. But to me, he was like a real Ray of sunshine on a gloomy day. His name did seem contradictory to his personality, but in reality, he did match the meaning of his name.

Sure, he did insult me, push me away but he was gradually letting his walls down and I was very grateful for that.

But the hurt wouldn't leave me. Why did he leave me? Why did he walk off yesterday at the party? Everytime we seemed to get somewhere with a decent conversation, everytime his eyes held emotion and depth to them, he pulled himself back to the person he made everyone see.

And I was done being the target of his hot and cold behavior. I was done being someone who could be walked off on. I was done being the girl assumed to be used just because she was drunk. I was done with everything and everyone.

And just when I tried to close my eyes shut, the feel of his hands wouldn't go off my body. The way his disgusting hands held me tight, the way his hand shut my mouth wouldn't escape from my vision.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

××

"Have you packed in the medicines I gave you?" Asked mom, as she raised an eyebrow suspiciously. I was being forced to take vitamin supplements even when I had fully recovered and been advised by the doctor to not take anything. My mom, being the protective and over caring mom she is, decided to supply my stick like body with vitamins.