chaotic good

rant

/I've been having problems with a boy in my school and I didn't really know who to express my feelings to so I wrote about it. I'm really angry and hurt and there are soooo many swear words in this. I dont think anyone will read it but I just kinda need to write because, honestly, it just really hurts rn. I'm really sorry its so long but I just need to get it all out/

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In this essay, I shall be exploring my sentiment and my train of thought on how a boy ruined my life. I shall not mention names as you will know its you because there is only one person who had fucked up my life this much. It also serves its purpose as a thank you letter for everything you've done.

First, what is giving you the right to just ignore me? I actually liked you, I hate to admit, . FYI, I'm never opening up ever again. So, why the fuck would you do that, talk to me until 12, tell me all your problems and literally beg to hang out with me? And I quote 'I'd probs talk to your parents and mention that its to much for you'. You left signs, really obvious ones at that. And so, like a good friend, I was worried when you stopped talking to me. I was summoning the courage to ask you why you weren't talking to me and I was so so sure you like me. But I had to confirm my facts so I asked your friend HONESTLY, if you liked me and you know what he fucking told me? 'No, he doesn't, he likes some year 9 student and thats part of operation ...' or some shit. He warned me. He said 'I think you(as in you the person I'm writing about) like ]s that girl' and I asked why he would tell me that and he didnt reply but I know why. Of course I do, its because he knows I like you and he doesn't want me to get hurt. Oh you know what, I dont even know anymore, maybe he doesn't give two fucks about me like you. Maybe everybody who's nice to me is actually faking it so they have something to feel good about. So thanks for lying to me and manipulating my feelings.

Also, is that what you do to all girls? You both call them, him as a wingman, and then you hang out with them for 2 weeks and decide that they're not worth it? I pray to God that the girl doesn't like you back. I would pity her so much. When he told me, I was surprised but at the same time I just wasn't. Surprise, surprise, I was like a test run for you. Aw, I thought we could have been friends. BULLSHIT. That made me feel WORTHLESS and so so ashamed of myself because honestly, I don't talk a lot. I used to be quiet and I used to be so closed off to everybody but then I was like 'you know what, im gonna to be a different person this time, im just gonna put myself out there and try to make friends. I only have a month anyway.' And I really did try. But here I am, crying time and time again. Thanks for ruining the one month I have at this school.

Secondly, we were friends, really good friends or at least I fucking thought so until you pulled off this shitty stunt. You know what, I loved how you told him that I was too 'talkative'. Didn't ruin my fucking self esteem at all. I've been told that a few times but what the fuck is that supposed to mean? If one day I dont say anything, you'll be sorry. I know you never wondered at all because you didn't give a fuck about me but that was the reason that I havent talked to you. You sat down next to me and completely ignored me, like we were never friends. You had a conversation with him and he was sitting right next to me and guess what, you didn't even look at me. Or acknowledged my existence. In the lunch line, you barged in, looked at me and acted like I was dirt on your shoe. And I know that im not, I'm the prettiest, smartest, funniest and probably one of the best friends you'll ever have. Even if you do talk to me again, and I dont think you will, you should know that I dont think it'll be the same. Thanks for ignoring me and ruining my self esteem.

Thirdly, you know I cried so much, so goddamn much. In the library, I sat in the normal chair, the blue one and I looked at the picture I took of you 2 days before and I was like fucking hell where did it go wrong. I cried after, in case you're too dumb to figure it out. Anyways, I talked to my friends and my parents because I was so worried that I did something wrong that I was the one who fucked this up but I realise now that im not. I should tell you what my parents said after I told them about the shit you did and how much it hurt me. They said, that boy is like the others, he's only gonna hurt you. And me? I defend you with every last inch of my being and I said to myself that you were different and they asked me how can you be so sure that this boy is worth it. And I was so sure that I knew you because my gut told me that I fucking knew what I was talking about but I clearly didnt. I wanted so much to believe in you, that we could be those friends again but I dont think so. And I know you won't talk to me again. I know you well enough to know that you won't. So when IF you talk to me one day because you need something, dont pretend like nothing's happened because so many things happened. I know this is just a game for you and the squad because you walk towards me like you're gonna talk to me and then you swerve completely and then completely ignore me again. Thanks for making me believe in you and then be completely wrecked because of that.

I've wasted you much time on you and I regret that so much because I did it since I thought we could have really been friends. Maybe more. But fuck it, reality sucks. I should have known because I've been though this shit before, so many times. Also, theres this quote from the Little Prince which I find so fucking ironic "It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important" and I wasted time on you because I thought you were important and you fucked up my life. Thanks for nothing.

Lastly, I don't fucking know why im so emotionally attached to you. For fucks sake, I've only known you for 2 weeks but I overthink so much. And maybe you just don't know that because you just think im 'shallow' but im so fucking damaged. And I don't do these things, because they're cliche and sappy and I personally hate it but this is an exception because nobody has ever made me felt so shit in such a long time. Nobody has ever made me cry in a long time so I congratulate you on your success. I hope karma fucking gets you.

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