Soul Watch

Chapter 18

The certainty, the determination, and magnitude of my immediate actualization after waking up from my dream suddenly seemed incredibly long ago and small. It was always like that, wasn't it? Everything in your head always seems so much easier.

The fire swelling in your chest created by your determination was like a boxer's jumping up and down in preparation. It's only when you're literally standing outside or facing it point blank, that your knees start to buckle, the sweat on your back sliding down your spine becomes more evident, and you feel like your heart was going to come up from your throat at any given time. You're sure that the strong, confident decision was made by someone else inhabiting your body for a moment.

Yup, that was exactly what I felt as I stood outside Lightston Memorial Hospital. It's kind of ironic how I had traded places with Crysta from that day, which seemed so long ago. I was now the one hesitating to go in and stood rooted to the ground. My confidence wavered and slowly failed me the moment I saw the white building of the hospital. However, I somehow called Crysta, and she was now the one cooing soothing words over the phone. How the tables have turned so dramatically.

Crysta volunteered to accompany me when I told her where I was going. I was actually supposed to tell her after I visited Ceron. However, she caught me on the way out of school wanting to get an iced mocha at Caffeine Rush. Knowing she could sniff out the moment I lied (I tended to giggle a lot when telling one), I saved myself the trouble and told her; however, I immediately rejected her offer of companionship. It seemed like something I had to do alone without any prying eyes or interference. Plus, the idea of having someone there when I would finally see his face seemed intrusive and stressful.

"You'll be fine. Trust me."

"Uh-huh."

"I was so nervous before too, and I still went!"

"Yep."

"There's nothing to be nervous about. You've been there once."

"Uh-huh."

"Weren't you the one pushing me into it?"

"Uh-huh."

A small distraction came from the realization that Crysta, for a moment, thought I was scared to go into a hospital, not the fact that I was about to see someone that I thought didn't exist my whole life.

"Can you give me a better reply than 'Uh-huh'?"

"Er...Uh-huh."

Crysta sighed heavily on the other end of the line as I stared into the busy lobby, nurses carrying charts walking back and forth, patients shuffling in vacant chairs to wait and doctors rushing out of lifts with stethoscopes hanging around their necks.

"Have you even entered the hospital yet?" she asked, her voice dipping low as the said the word "hospital."

Annoyance rose in me. "No, but you do realize it's not the stepping into the hospital part that I'm afraid of, right?"

Crysta was silent on the other end of the line. I could almost hear the wheels working in her mind as she went, "Oh."

"Uh-huh."

Now, it was her turn to sound annoyed. "Look, Pan, for all the years that I've known you, I know you're not the kind of person to give up so easily or go down without a fight. This shouldn't be any different. You were so set on going by yourself to visit. You looked so sure and positive about your decision. Don't let that change."

"But—" I began.

"I know you're scared, and it's not something you're used to feeling. I know that too! And I don't blame you! I would be shitting in my pants now if it was me."