Back to life - Bellward [TTS]

1. Dangerous Plannes

This story takes place before the cliff-diving and in the first chapters you'll see a Bella very depressed. (In this story, Jacob helped surviving the pain, but he was never able to "repair" her heart).

La Push. A place where I almost felt like home, but it wasn't home. It was a place where I felt more alive, where I could at least survive from my pain, but the only place were I felt myself at home was now empty, like my heart was right now.
That house. That family. Him.
This was something I couldn't change, and I didn't want to.
Neither my house was my home anymore; I lived there, for sure, but I didn't feel in the right place.
My home was and still be where he was, and more precisely, it was between his arms.
The only place where I felt myself protected, comfortable, in the right place at the right time/moment and truly alive.
I will never forget that feeling and even if it hurt like hell, I wanted to remember everything.
I wanted to remember him, our love, his family, our moments, his words, my best friend.
That's why I still doing such stupid things that kept putting me in danger, because doing that, I could get to see and hear him again.

Since Jacob's transformation, Edward hallucination begun to show up even when I was about to pass time with him, simply at the beach, without doing anything dangerous and I couldn't understand why.
Jacob wasn't dangerous, he was my best friend, he was like my little brother and he was helping me so much, even if I knew I was using him to survive. And he didn't deserve that.

"Bells?" he called me, looking at me almost laughing.
"Are you still on Earth planet? Or are you on Saturn?"
I shook my head, finally back to reality.
"No, Jake. I'm sorry. Just lost in thoughts. You know."
His smile suddenly disappeared and I couldn't help but feeling guilty.
"Yeah." he simply said, trying to control himself.

I'm sorry that I can't change my heart, Jake.
I'm sorry that I'm doing this to you, I'm sorry for hurting you, I hope you can understand me someday. I'll never be able to thank you enough for what you are doing for me. I don't even know.
I'm sorry if I can't give you my heart, because it already belongs to someone else, and it will always be like this. I can't change that. My heart is broken, and it can't be yours. You are in my heart, because I love you, Jacob, my little brother..but my heart could never belong to you. Never.

"Go away from him, Bella." I followed the voice, and there it was, my personal Edward hallucination.
Again, I couldn't understand why he was here, though, but I didn't care, he was there and that was all the matter.
"Go away, Bella. You promised." and then he disappeared when Jacob started to talk again.
In that moment, I felt a little irritated to him, because because of him, my love was gone.

"Bells??"
"I'm sorry, again, Jake." I sighed before choosing that it was better to change the topic.
"Well, I was thinking, Jake, there's something I want to try."
I said, stopping myself from walking and starting looking at him with hope. I didn't care what he would say anyway, because i would have done that no matter what. I was very determined to see him again.
"What is it?"
"Cliff-diving." I stated, seriously, while he looked at me like I was extraterrestrial, but he didn't say anything, he just nodded.
"Fine, Bells, but nothing too dangerous. And when I say it's too much, we come back."
I nodded. "Thanks Jake." For the opportunity you'll be giving to me.

We walked around the beach all the afternoon and I heard him talking about his pack, or better, his friends, now related with something more than just a friendship. Jacob tried to hold my hand in his while we were walking, but I blocked myself, putting my hands in my pocket and moving myself away from him.

I can't do this. I really can't.

Once seeing his broken look, I felt guilty and uncomfortable. "Jacob..you know how I feel about this. I just..can't..."