Some love never fades

Chapter 7

The last couple of weeks before we were scheduled to move was a blur of packing, hand holding, and spending every moment possible with Todd, Lori and Bri. We made a plan to see each other and write and call as much as we could. Leaving my life behind was never easy, but this time it was even harder. These people were my life. No one was ever allowed in like they were. Our last weekend there both of our families and all of mom’s friends planned a camping trip. One last hurrah! The last evening around the fire, Todd was being particularly quiet. I asked him quietly if he wanted to go on a walk. I knew he would say yes. As soon as we were away from the fire he grabbed my hand. We walked hand in hand to this large log that hung over the stream. It was beautiful, a small trickling stream, a warm night and a sky full of twinkling stars. We stopped to sit and talk.  Everything about the scene screamed of every clichéd romance movie I had hated to sit through with my mom but as I was present in my own romance skit I loved it. It was perfect. All the way up until I looked up at Todd. I had been too engrossed in sucking up every minuscule detail of my surroundings to notice the look of despair in his eyes. My heart sank. He very nervously, with his head hung, asked me if we should end it. “I don’t want that” I said meekly. “I don’t either.” We sat for what seemed like hours just staring down at that stream below. Finally a resolve seemed to overtake him and he took my hand in his, looked in my eyes and said “then let’s make it work. You’ll be up for week long stretches at least twice a year if not more. We’ll just write and call in between.” “Ya as long as were always honest with each other we should be fine” I said. Even though everything I’d ever witnessed about love said that it would never be that easy, at that moment I whole-heartedly believed it would. We could make it work. I mean I was planning on moving up there and settling into that area after high school anyway. We could just by our time, make it work until I was old enough to move back to him. Right?!...

We packed up to move 500 miles away the following Monday, an overcast day in early June. The weather reflected our feelings. Neither mom nor I said anything to each other for a large chunk of the Minnesota leg of the drive. I very easily could be angry with her for making us move again. I mean she was kind of good at that. We had never stayed more than 2 years in one place ever. But this time was different. I could tell she was hurting too and I couldn’t bring myself to take it out on her this time. Thank goodness for me, she was missing her friends terribly and we ended up back in Minnesota staying with the Nelson’s twice that summer. Those times were like nothing changed. We picked up where we had left off, slowly growing up together and growing closer.

The one thing that had changed was that now when I stayed there Todd slept in the girl’s room with us. The first night Todd told the girls and I that he wanted every moment with me that he could. Normally a cheesy line like that would make me want to scream “ya right”. I mean I had heard many guys say that over the years to my mom. They never stuck around very long though. Just another ploy to get what they wanted. But with time, I completely believed him. Even though I wanted him in the room, having him there also scared the crap out of me. What would the darkness bring? Would he want to kiss me? Oh God what would I do then? That first night we all changed into our pajamas, taking turns in the bathroom. Todd let us get all tucked into the girls bed. Normally when I stayed the night before all 3 of us girls would pile into Lori’s bed, me on the end, Lori next to me in the middle and then Bri on the opposite side. When he waited until we got into bed I figured he was going to go across to Bri’s bed and sleep there. To my surprise he didn’t. He grabbed Bri’s pillow and blanket and laid down on the floor right next to the bed on my side. My nerves, which had been back under control, went crazy. He looked up at me, searching my face to figure out what I was thinking. I would never understand how he always understood me so well. He reached up and grabbed my hand gently, intertwining the fingers and said “sleep good”. Every night we fell asleep holding hands and woke up still holding hands. I fell harder and harder for that boy every night, even though neither of us had ever said the “love” words. The weeks between our trips back to Minnesota that summer were long but manageable. Todd and I talked on the phone twice a week. We wrote letters to each other, mainly consisting of what we had been doing with ourselves and how much we missed the other. I got pictures from the girls in with the letters too. If our long distance relationship was going to be like this I could do this. Each week I survived without them and each reunion that never seemed like it changed anything filled me with confidence.

That last trip to Minnesota before school started in mid-August was hanging over my head. I knew I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I had almost said it so many times already. Twice on the phone but I didn’t in the end because I didn’t want my first time to utter those important words to be when I couldn’t see the other person. I wanted to see his face. I wanted to see his reaction, be able to tell if he was surprised or relieved. Or more importantly if he said it back, I wanted to know if it was just because I had said it or because he wanted to also. I considered telling him early, pulling him off to the side shortly after arriving there and just telling him. Or maybe I could get him off to the side after he helped take my bags to Lori’s room like he always did. None of the scenarios ended up working out for me. I failed to figure in the fact that I’m a huge chicken. My resolve melted when my mom’s car pulled up in front of their house. The day was so wonderfully normal. We wandered around town. Played a little basketball. Watched movies including the inevitable popcorn fight this time spurred by Bri’s rendition of “Todd and Lacey sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.” Before I knew it, it was bedtime and I hadn’t made my declaration. I should have known that he would see through my awkward strange silence. Shortly after we were settled in and he was holding my hand, he squeezed it getting my attention. “What’s wrong?” he asked. “Nothing’s wrong.” I answered. I laid there kicking myself for not saying something then but I really wanted a little privacy and I knew the girls were still awake probably listening. Tidbits of information about our relationship were like gold to them. Todd was very private and protective about conversations between us. He definitely didn’t like the girls kidding him about me when I wasn’t around. My berating of myself prevented me from sleeping. It also prevented me from noticing that Todd wasn’t sleeping either. I underestimated his worry for me. I had just started hearing the both girls’ distinct snores when he squeezed my hand. I looked down. He had turned over and was staring at me with so much worry in his eyes that it tore me apart. He said very quietly “can’t sleep?” I shook my head. “Talk to me. Is something wrong?” His eyes never left mine. His second hand went up to our joined hands and started gently rubbing the top of my hand. I’ll never forget the first time he did that. My dad had just left, leaving me crying on my step. I missed him so much. Lori and Bri had come over, having seen that dad had just left and knowing that I’d be hurting. Lori hugged me. Todd who usually just stood by, reached over and started rubbing my hand that was sitting on his sister’s back. It was full of understanding much like the feeling right then. I repeated “nothing’s wrong” this time emphasizing the wrong part. He looked confused for just a second and then said “ok so what is it then”. When I hesitated he said “Lacey we promised to always be honest, what is it?” Knowing that he was starting to panic with all the possibilities that it could be I knew that I had to relieve him. “I was just trying to decide when and how I was gonna tell you how I feel…about you”. “Oh…Did you…decide?” I paused for a long time, just staring at him. He swallowed hard and I felt like my heart would explode. I knew it was time. “I love you” I whispered. Never looking away he gasped and said “I love you too”.