Emma: Freshman Year

Chapter 19: Awakening

"Emma! Wake up! It's time for school!"

Emma slowly opened her eyes and looked around. At first, she was confused as to where she was, for this was the deepest sleep she had ever experienced. Then, she realized that she was in her bed, and the last thing she did was take all of her mom's melatonin pills in an attempt to end her life. Her head was aching terribly and she felt nauseous. Her mouth was extremely dry, her muscles felt weak, and she had to pee very badly. Why was she still alive? Emma knew she wasn't supposed to wake up from this. she was supposed to sleep forever after taking those pills, not wake up the next morning to her mom's voice, telling it was time for school. 

"Come on, Emma! You're going to be late!" Emma's mom yelled, grabbing her daughter by the arm and forcing her to sit up. "Get your ass out of bed!"

As Emma sat on the edge of her bed, she felt a wave of dizziness overcome her. She struggled to stay upright as every bone in her body screamed to lie back down. She stared at the floor in front of her, fighting the urge to close her heavy eyelids. She had never been this groggy before in her life; she had no idea how she was supposed to make it through an entire school day. 

"Emma!" her mom screamed, aggravated. "What the hell is your deal?! I let you sleep ever since you got home from school. You wouldn't even wake up to eat supper! And you're telling me, after all that sleep, you're still tired?! Get your ass moving, or you're going to miss the bus!"

Slowly forcing herself to stand up, Emma stumbled out of her room, past her mom, and made her way downstairs into the bathroom. She felt like a zombie, more dead than alive. Dropping her pants down, she sat down on the toilet and urinated, still struggling to keep her eyes open. The cuts on her legs from yesterday were still fresh, and they stung terribly. After she was done peeing, Emma one-handedly grabbed a handful of toilet paper, wiped her bottom, stood up from the toilet, and pulled her jeans back up. 

Looking in the mirror, Emma caught sight of her own reflection. Her lifeless blue eyes had dark circles under them, which contrasted with her pale skin. Her blonde hair was a tangled mess, and it looked like it hadn't been combed in days. Her collarbones stuck out drastically and, on her chest, her ribs were visible as well. Her shirt, which was the same one she had worn yesterday, was wrinkled and disheveled-looking. Emma knew she had to clean herself up before school, or everyone would think of her as a hobo as well as a slut. Stumbling back up to her room, she managed to one-handedly changed out of her clothes and, not even bothering to put on a bra or underwear, dressed herself in a cami tank top and thin, black leggings. Overtop of the tank top, she threw on a zip-up sweatshirt to keep herself warm.

Somehow, Emma managed to make it outside to the bus before it left, despite her grogginess. As she stumbled through narrow aisles, she found an empty seat and plopped down, throwing her backpack on the floor beside her. Leaning her head back against the seat, Emma closed her eyes and soon fell asleep.

"Are you okay, miss?" 

Emma opened her eyes and realized that the bus was completely empty, except for the bus driver who was turned around in his seat and staring at her. Scrambling to her feet, Emma picked up her backpack and slung it over her shoulder. "Yeah," she answered, embarrassed that she had fallen asleep on the bus. Making her way through the aisle towards the door, she stepped off the bus and rushed into the building, hoping that she hasn't missed the first bell. 

"You look rough, girl," Heidi commented as Emma trudged down the crowded halls like a zombie. "Are you okay?"

Emma stopped in her tracks. She wasn't about to tell Heidi that she had purposefully overdosed on sleeping pills yesterday after school in order to take her own life. "I'm fine," she answered finally. "Just not feeling well is all."

"You sure?" Heidi pressed. "I mean, I know you're upset about Landon and everything, and you can talk to me about it. We're friends, you know."

Leaning against the lockers, Emma let out a sigh as tears filled her eyes. "I dunno," she replied, her voice shaking. "I just can't do this anymore."

"What do you mean?" Heidi asked. "Are you really that upset over Landon?"

"It's not just Landon," Emma stated. "It's my life. Everything that can go wrong, does go wrong. I'm nothing but a stupid, disrespectful, selfish, annoying piece of shit. All I do is cause trouble to everyone around me, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of always getting shit on by Kendra and her friends, and I'm sick of being alive." With that, Emma felt tears slide down her cheeks.

"Don't say that!" Heidi exclaimed. 

"But it's true," Emma sniffled, wiping her eyes with her sweatshirt sleeve. "My mom hates me. Lizzie hates me. I'm the one who killed my own child, and it's my fault that Landon is in jail. Everyone would be better off if I was dead."

"That's not true!" Heidi protested. "I'd be devastated if you were gone! You're one of my closest friends."

"Thanks," Emma replied. "But in all honesty, I shouldn't even be here right now." 

"What do you mean?" Heidi asked. 

Emma hesitated as she realized that she had said too much. "Never mind," she answered quietly. "It's nothing."

"Please tell me, Emma," Heidi insisted. "We're friends, remember? We can tell each other anything."

Taking a deep breath, Emma felt her heart racing as she anticipated Heidi's reaction to what she was about to say. Lowering her voice, she said, "Don't tell anyone this, but I took a bunch of my mom's sleeping pills yesterday when I got home from school."

"Emma!" Heidi exclaimed in shock. "What the hell? Why?!"

"I'm sorry!" Emma cried, covering her face with her good hand in a vain attempt to hide the shame she was feeling. "I just wanted to end it all! I'm just so sick of my life right now! I can't do this anymore!"

Heidi took a deep breath to calm herself down. "Does anyone else know besides me?" she asked. 

"N-no," Emma stammered through her sobs. "And you can't tell anyone! Okay? Otherwise I'll be sent to the psych ward again and then my mom will be pissed, because I'm always wasting her money, and then they'll put a feeding tube in me, because they think I'm too skinny, and..." 

"Emma, please try to calm down," Heidi reassured her. "I won't tell anyone. I promise."

"Thanks," Emma sniffled, stifling a sob. Staring at the ground, she added, "I still can't believe I fucking woke up." 

"Trust me, I'm glad you did," Heidi replied, with tears in her eyes. Putting a hand on Emma's shoulder, she led the way towards Mr. Halverson's room just as the first bell rang. "Wanna come over tonight and hang out?" Heidi asked. "Just to take your mind off of things?"

"Sure," Emma replied as she and Heidi entered the classroom together. "I'm down for that." 

"Sweet!" Heidi exclaimed as she sat down in her desk, throwing her backpack on the floor beside her. "I can't wait."

"Same here," Emma mumbled as she proceeded to take a seat in her desk and drop her backpack on the ground as well. Although Heidi had good intentions, Emma did not feel any better from their conversation. She still wished that the sleeping pills would have taken her life, for she felt like she couldn't deal with it anymore. The loss of her child, combined with the constant bullying at school already was too much, but the fact that Landon was in jail was enough to put Emma over the edge. Not to mention, the argument with Lizzie and the criticism from her mom did not help either. Emma was just sick of being a burden, and sick of always causing trouble. She just wanted to die, for she felt that everyone would be better off that way.