Untitled

Part 1

I can't share who I am with you, I cannot give you a piece of me lest you suffocate beneath its weight, so here I try to give you what I am, even just for a moment.

The worst part about life, about me, is undoubtedly my own head. It's the most excruciating, violent, agonising, cruel, pathetic, painful, angry, stupid, noisy, crowded, dead place that could ever exist.

Who needs rapists and paedophiles... murderers and terrorists, serial killers and dictators; I have my head, my unbreakable, indestructible, ferocious prison.

It rattles like a metal cage, the cold thin bars steely pressing painfully in, they cut and many times and deep than their wide prison cell friends.

They're rough and crisp and really really silver, the triangle of the crashing when it's thrown against a wall with you inside.

That noise, that pain, that fear and hatred, that's my head.

It's all in there.

I'd like to say it's buried deep but it's very surely on the surface, clod and calm as a tropical hurricane, stewing, waiting- not for a moment to break, just for me to break, all it has to do is wait and down I'll crumble, yelling, screaming, hands clutched, clawing, nailings digging into temples, pushing inwards, pressure killing noise snd pain, that's when it breaks. And I scream.

I scream. Loud metal whining of my instrument playing my insanity, that's what I think.

It's louder than I can convey, it's icy, chilling, shivers running through my core with knives for blood. It's fire inside that heats comfortably, untouchable, just kept quietly there, burning, burning. It flickers and cracks, orange snapping, somersaulting, smoke subduing, cloud enshrouding, enveloping in a thick white cotton fire blanket made to put out.

It will put me out.

But I'm out so it must fail, I'm as out as I can be and it's not enough but nothing brings me more, brings me further to that out that I cry, shriek, long to have, that final out of a deep breath exhaled on my fire, that brief out like it was never there only smoky entrails in the abyss to show that once I was awake, I was here.