The Dirty Saint

14

The next couple of days that followed my so called rape experience was tortuous. I couldn't leave the house, and if I had to my brother must tag along like a bodyguard, my mom was my new roommate she spent more time in my room than she does in hers

I dont think there is a guidebook on how to act after being raped to keep me in check on my big lie
I was so depressed

Just one big lie and my family never remained the same, the police were involved and the sudden trauma put a tint on my family's image and we became so uptight and concerned about everyone's whereabouts and whom they went with

My dad was so bothered about catching the culprit, he spend most time doing detective works of his own. Trying to catch the men that didn't exist. An image I created

My mom took time off work to nurse me although the only pain I was suffering from was emotionally

She blamed herself for neglecting me and made it her priority to always keep me and my sisters in check at all times

Seeing how much one little white lie could affect my entire family made me feel terribly guilty and wished I had not told the lie in the first place

I guess I didn't expect it to be such a big deal, I was just caught up in the moment and I needed a way out. An expensive believable way out

Not too long the wound started to heal but not in my mother's head, she would wake up at midnight, show up in my room with her bible praying earnestly. She did it continuously for weeks and it was like an hammer to my fragile conscious judging heart

One time I was so close to telling it was a misunderstanding but then I pictured how she would feel after I tell her the truth and I knew it would be way worse than it is now

Acting the part wasn't easy too, I had to fake loss of appetite when my parents are around and made my brother sneak cookies in my room with the money Adi gave me when he heard I was sick

I know my actions were not justifiable. I can't always eat my cake and have it but i was doing a great job at playing it cool and it had to stay that way for now

And then there was Steve,
That despicable horrible motherfucker

all the love I felt for him initially had transformed quickly to a wave of evolving hatred from the pit of hell itself

For weeks I watched him act like nothing happened. Like the passionate rainy night we shared in his room on his mattress with the thunder as my witness didn't happen

I was playing it cool, we only talked when it was really important and I avoided him as much as I could

Although not because of the empty threats he made the other day but because I know I was this close to losing it and if we are alone I might end up ripping his head off his neck

My patience was running out indefinitely , even if I wanted to forget all about and move on which is not possible. I didn't want to

I was never going to let him walk away after what he had done but I was a rape victim at the moment and I don't exactly have the freedom I wanted

And I needed to see him feel like he is in charge. Like his threats shook me and am feeling remorseful but that asshole was quite an actor If he had been leading other ladies on before he wasn't making an effort to hide it now

He enjoyed the attention and special offers they gave him, it was not like he is the only good looking guy in the whole youth department

He just happened to fit into every girl's dream book and every naive stupid girl like I was would blindly fall into his trap.