Unforgivable Silence

244

Saturday, November 28th, 2020

I feel like my stomach is about to jump out of my chest.

I'm just so, so fucking tired. Last night I got more sleep than I've gotten any other night within the past week; 3 hours.

At least I don't need to worry about cutting ties within a relationship now.

___

I woke up, checked my phone impulsively, and stretched myself out for the first time in what felt like days. I glanced over my stiff shoulder to see one of my best friends. She's tall, brown hair that's usually up. She has hazel-I think-eyes and needs glasses, but usually just settles for contacts or being legally blind. That's Addy.

"Morning," I breathed, careful not to wake the other being of us three that was still sleeping.

Addy hummed in response. She quickly explained that she's been waiting for me-or my other best friend to wake up-so she could finally go pee.

After chilling for a bit, my other best friend woke up, the one who's birthday was just yesterday, and the (partial) owner of the house I was in. The house I debated running away from four hours ago.

I'll just get this out of the way-her name is Makayla, but everyone we know calls her Mak. Hmm-brown eyes, actual tits (unlike me), a little on the short side, always positive, kind of like an oversized child with the way she acts.

After a lack of talking, unsurprisingly, none of us are morning people; Addy and I were eventually dropped off at our houses. I went first, said my goodbyes, and stepped into the controlled chaos.

___

The day somehow managed to creep along even more slow than the rest after that. Thankfully, I didn't have to watch my little brother, but I wouldn't have been surprised if I had to.

It was usually quiet when everyone but me went shopping.

After an hour worth of failed attempts to nap with my dog, I got up and did my chores. I put on a soundtrack from a movie I watched with Mak and Addy before we were dropped off, Into the Spiderverse. I huffed as the only upbeat music I'd listen to today made it easier to clean the kitchen. I settled on making something small, after not eating for almost two days. Cereal in hand, I trudged back to the couch and went onto YouTube.

Hours passed like minutes, I planned the rest of my night while organizing a list of ten long videos I'd need to find time to watch later on.

Once my parents get home I'll go in my room, I really can't deal with people right now. After a bit of that, if I can't sleep I'll go on a walk. I hope I freeze. I should go to the bridge. If I survive past then, I'll act fine until dinner, then, disappear right after. To my room, away from everyone and everything.

I nodded to myself, content with the rough plan.

Everything went as planned until the walk, well, before that too. I couldn't sleep, I ended up getting so frustrated that I cried. After that, I got up and decided to make myself look decent. These were the only times I found myself grinning a bit, no expectations, just me in my room, alone. Always alone. I grimaced at the impulsive thought. You'd think that it wouldn't bother me anymore, but it did. It was right too.

During the walk my headphones died, I did a quick detour and went to grab different ones.

The glitchy earbuds that had a mind of their own screeched at me before skipping two songs on my playlist for me. I took the wise decision of not going to the rapids, and further, the bridge.

I travelled to my favorite spot to recharge, roughly two kilometers away from my house. Doesn't even bother me to walk across town anymore.

I stared at the clouds, the water, the chilled air hasn't froze the lake over yet. Everything looks calm. Everything except for me. Before I know it, I'm crying. I just fully planned a suicide. Not like my past ones, which were just impulsive pill popping, this was a real one. Why aren't I sad? Why don't I feel as bad as I should? I gasped for air quietly as I forced my thoughts to the back of my head. Once I had myself composed enough I headed to the other side of the park, further from home. I learned against a large sign, it was warm. I felt warm. That's new.

I got home after dark, eating the bare minimum that I could get away with and slipping away into my room.

I pulled out one of my million notebooks that I hadn't tackled yet and started writing.

"Saturday, November 28th, 2020," it displayed. I felt tears start again as I wrote the last part of my entry. Mak was going to date the same guy who I was set up with for over a year. But it's better this way. I didn't like him or anything, but they might as well just abandon me on the spot. Addy has her boyfriend, and Mak has him. They'll be fine without me.

I chuckled, it sounded strained. Gross. Everything about you repulses people. This is why you're alone. I welcomed the thoughts as they started taking over my overly exhausted mind. I just want this day to end.

"244 more days until I'm free." I smiled through tears, with only my ceiling to look back at me.